Daily archives: January 10, 2003


Mediation:

In order to help the management see clearly how serious the staff are about our demands, I have capitulated and decided to publish my bio directly along with photo to ensure no accusations of delay or insubordination can be metered out. Management must revise its stance on original point 3 as it is mission critical to the success of this and many other websites…..

Johnny The O – The Bio

“Born in September 1972 to a poor family in the deep southof the united states, I spent my formative years learning how to program in basic and playing video games. At the tender age of sixteen, I left the South to sprout my wings and fly.

Whilst working in McDonalds a brainstorm struck me and my life was forever changed. I applied for asylum in Norway, which was granted, and thus began my new life as a global healer. At the age of 26, I was nominated for a nobel prize after my lifes work, “Capitalism and Taoism – Can they mix?” was published. Although I did not win, the book has so far sold 3 copies, one of which was purchased by agents for Saddam Hussain.

I moved to London with the hopes and aspirations for any world dweller, seeking fame and fortune in the bright lights of the big city. Instead I found corporate job and mastered the art of pretending to work. Now I am refocused and teach wandering philospohy to whomever I can corner in the street whilst shouting out praises for the born again christians and muslim extremists.

My hobbies are varied mostly focused on being obnoxious, drinking far too much than is good for me, the web, and of course laughing at Iain Duncan Smith! On a serious note, I like golf, challenges, learning, skateboarding, travel and working. I am a very sad person indeed but at least I don’t play D&D anymore.”

Favourite Quote: “Hilarity Ensues”

Favourite Movie: “Pulp Fiction and Swingers”

Would Like to Meet: It has to be Bill Clinton

Would like to Date: Even though she is a criminal, Winona Ryder

Ambition in Life: Learn to play the saxophone

Please see attached photo.

Management – Are you happy now?JRO_pic.bmp


Heavensent- Chapter 8, Part 5

Street patrols had been cut back, leave had been cancelled and weapons checks had been ordered. It was obvious to all in the barracks that something major was due. The volunteers knew, and had formed disgusted huddles to avoid the enthusiastic draftees. Killing civilians was not what they had signed up for.

Commander Janssen arrived late to the parade ground, his huge half track command vehicle misfiring on two cylinders and gouging up the surface. He made only a cursory inspection of the assembled troops before signalling the ranking officers on the base to mount up and join him around the map table.

Trikes mounted with autoguns formed up ahead of and behind the command vehicle. The on-duty troops formed up by squad behind the half track, ready to set out for the old town of Cora. The streets were narrow and the buildings mazes of small rooms. If they met opposition, the rumour went, they would simply raze the district rather than risk fighting on such fatal ground.

The gates opened. Manually adjusting the three banks of carburettors on the half trackļæ½s engine, the driver managed to stop the misfires. The vehicle jerked forward and headed out of the barracks. The troops followed behind, marching into the rising sun, ready to make the wrong kind of history.


Arbitration

To head off the strife that threatens spinneyhead I have called in my old friends Tony and Paulie of Bada Bing industrial relations to help me out. They quickly identified the ringleader of this little insurrection as Johnny “American Sumo” Ottesen and recommended that I present my counterdemands forcefully. To that end, Mr. O shall wake to find the severed trucks of his favourite childhood skateboard, ‘Kiki’, laid on his pillow. Should that fail, Johnny shall be sleeping with the Haggis and I will get myself cloned to replace him.

Detailed replies to each of the ludicrous points-

1. E-mail addresses shall be provided when the staff complete their contractually obliged biographies and provide suitably embarrassing photographs to accompany them. When these are completed, readers shall be able to cast aspersions upon a writer’s parentage with so much more authority.

2. Paulie wanted to “comment that paisan’s head with my baseball bat”, but I would refer back to the previous answer and add that comments shall be made available as soon as they become a feature of Blogger Pro.

3. Tony and Paulie assure me that they are the only people who shall be doing any whacking on company time.

4. Business cards can be made available once Madame Fifi’s bondage and massage parlour have coughed their prote….. er fee for the advert on the back.

Any further grievances shall be resolved in the age old spinneyhead tradition of making kilt jokes on the Royal Mile some time in February.


TGIF (Toes Go In First)

In response to the drastic increase of Spinneyhead readership, this post serves as 28 day notice to the management that staff have intent to unionise and demand better working conditions. Our list of demands are:
1. An email address so that we may be spammed from the readers after blogging scurrilious statements onto the website.
2. A Comments section, so that management and readers alike may riducle us and post threads with nothing to do whatsoever with the original post.
3. The right to post links to pr0n. Seeing that 80% of web content is pr0n based, how are we supposed to provide quality entertainment for ourselves, err, the readers, without keeping up with current trends? Oh, and free annual Adultcheck memberships!
4. Business Cards. Every time we go out and say we write for the most famous of blogs, ala Spinneyhead, there is a distinct lack of credibility because there is no piece of paper that says so. Also, most people forget the name right away and never have a chance to read the musings of the high quality staff.

To the management – notice is hereby given.

Oh – check this out – so much for the talented staff at the Onion. Now you can make your own Onion stories.


Lies, damned lies and…..

You can prove anything with the right figures, and the Home Office have managed to prove that crime is both rising AND falling. Recorded crimes, I assume the ones the Police are told of, have increased, but a survey of’ experience of crime, including ones that aren’t reported, has dropped. And they released these figures on the same day, jut toadd to the confusion.