To head off the strife that threatens spinneyhead I have called in my old friends Tony and Paulie of Bada Bing industrial relations to help me out. They quickly identified the ringleader of this little insurrection as Johnny “American Sumo” Ottesen and recommended that I present my counterdemands forcefully. To that end, Mr. O shall wake to find the severed trucks of his favourite childhood skateboard, ‘Kiki’, laid on his pillow. Should that fail, Johnny shall be sleeping with the Haggis and I will get myself cloned to replace him.

Detailed replies to each of the ludicrous points-

1. E-mail addresses shall be provided when the staff complete their contractually obliged biographies and provide suitably embarrassing photographs to accompany them. When these are completed, readers shall be able to cast aspersions upon a writer’s parentage with so much more authority.

2. Paulie wanted to “comment that paisan’s head with my baseball bat”, but I would refer back to the previous answer and add that comments shall be made available as soon as they become a feature of Blogger Pro.

3. Tony and Paulie assure me that they are the only people who shall be doing any whacking on company time.

4. Business cards can be made available once Madame Fifi’s bondage and massage parlour have coughed their prote….. er fee for the advert on the back.

Any further grievances shall be resolved in the age old spinneyhead tradition of making kilt jokes on the Royal Mile some time in February.