Daily archives: August 8, 2003

Heavensent- Chapter 10, Part 2

Shara had descended to street level, where the action was, and was proceeding down the Straight side door to side door. She had lifted a bag of ammunition from a surprised child and sent him back to his mother. Now she was feeding cartridges into the wound on her upper arm.

The combat telegraph had been strung between buildings through sewers and drain pipes. There was a handset in the lobby of every building. Shara stopped halfway along the Straight to talk into one, getting an update from Aurile.

The destruction squads were moving behind one man tracks, the heavy autoguns of which kept defenders out of the open. The squad would wait until a building’s door and windows were behind the tracks, then smash the door down with charges. As the door fell, a soldier with a portable flamethrower lit up the inside of the building. Further charges and incendiary bombs were then thrown in to complete the job. Another squad mopped up anyone who fled the burning building. The squads were three buildings away from Shara.

An ever growing band of would be defenders was growing in the lobby, stopping on their way to or from the relentless arson to stare at this striking woman with her warrior’s bearing and strange language. Shara returned the handset to its cradle. “Are you ready to fight?” she asked the assembled throng. There were mumbles of assent, growing in volume as she stared at each defender individually. “Then come with me. It is time for you to fight back.”

Extra Credit

Even if Jess Lemon isn’t really real, (s)he serves a purpose in pointing out crap trends in comics. This week, she reviews the plot free cheesecake fest that is Vampirella/ Witchblade

whose cover shows two women who look like the ones on the posters [Jess’ brother Andy] used to hang over his bed, wearing very skimpy outfits in the middle of a snowstorm. (You can tell it’s cold–one of them is, uh, having a reaction.) “Oh, yeah… this one,” he said, totally not fooling me. “You know, this has some really strong women characters in it.”

It’s a little unfair, because there is some good stuff being published. Maybe someone should try to improve the quality of Andy’s weekly pile. Or perhaps one of Team Spinneyhead’s non comics readers would like to review something from my next stack of pamphlets?

Product Warnings

I have seen this before but it still amuses me:

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 2Oth century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle”, It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as Tunneling, This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbour’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a Gluing Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are Rolled Up into Such a Small Area That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEAL TH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.