100 Things (Part 4: It all gets a little silly)

61.Appear on Have I Got News For You?
This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.

62.Swim with Dolphins
It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do

63.Visit Japan
Kawaii

64.Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence
The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.

65.Learn Morse code

66.Attend Burning Man
There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.

67.Dance naked in the rain

68.Drive a race/ rally car

Last night I handed out a notebook when we were in the pub and collected a few ideas. I’m going to reproduce them all, though some will have an X by them because they didn’t make it onto the list. Credit, and/ or blame is apportioned for each of the following, which is only fair.

69.Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.
Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.

X. Date a man for two weeks
Penny. I asked Harry if he’d go out with me, but he said no, so this isn’t going to happen

X. Prove I’m a better lover than Sid
I never claimed to be better than anyone, just very good. And it’s such a subjective thing anyway.

70.Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)
Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?

X. Hold a protest on the Mancunian Way for the purple lampposts
Penny. I’m not entirely sure what this means

71.Play UV pool
Daz.

72.Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.
Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’

X. Play the lead in a musical porn movie
Penny. Oh, oh, oh, fell-ay-shee-oh! Channel four did Pornography: the musical last year. This is off the list if only to protect people from my singing.

73.Flash at a concert audience
Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.

74.Be a model at an Ann Summers party
Penny.

X. Be a turkey inseminator
Penny. Maybe when I move to the country.

75.Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal
Penny. So long as I don’t have to do it in the actual canal.

76.Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations
Penny and Lesley.

77.Design a sex toy
Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.

78.Be an extra on a TV programme.
Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.

79.Buy lingerie for a woman
Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’

80.Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album
Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version

X. Purchase a vibrating vagina from Ann Summers
Zoe. Sorry, no.

X. Chat up a barmaid and get a snog and a slap from another
Penny.

X. Learn the difference between the Macarena, the Saturday Night dance and the chacha slide
Penny

81.Learn to salsa
Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.

X. Get a PC to use handcuffs on me in a ‘friendly way’.
Penny

82.Have sex in an ambulance or hearse
Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.

X. Have sex while skydiving
Penny. I don’t think that’s even possible, except for eagles.

X. Get a pet ferret and keep it in my trousers and take it for a walk
Penny and Lesley. The RSPCA would be all over me.

X. Full body wax (BSC)
Penny. I’ve already said an emphatic no to this several times.

X. Organise a naked Lazer Quest tournament
Daz. Body paint is allowed.

X. Get a job at an all girls school or college
Zoe. I like this idea, it could open doors to so many of the other tasks. It’s only not getting listed because it’s probably impossible.

X. Do a ‘Bruce’
Penny. There’s a line in Clerks about Randall’s cousin breaking his neck trying to perform this act. All I’m going to say is I used to be supple enough (just) and I could be again with a little yoga.

83.Grow a bonsai tree
Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.

84.Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester
Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.

X. Drink a bottle of vodka without throwing up.
Daz. No.

85.Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.
Me.

86.Get zipped up in a US style body bag.
Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.

87.Create art using my body.
Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’

88.Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery
Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.

89.See a psychiatrist
Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.

90.See a psychosexual counsellor
Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.

91.Bowl on the Bowling Green again.
Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?

X. Appear on Zero to Hero
Daz. I don’t know. Daz, despite being in denial, is a bigger geek than I, perhaps I should put his name forward.

There’s still room for another nine suggestions. Sensible ones preferred, but don’t let that stop you.


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