Notes toward the design of the perfect sex toy

I had so much fun collecting sex toy suggestions the first time that I did it again at the pub quiz on Tuesday. Collated from the two lists, what follows are the criteria I shall be working to as I take my designs forward and a few early thoughts-

This stands to reason. Of course, if it’s really effective, it’ll have to come with a gag to keep it silent.

1 battery/ rechargeable
I’m thinking phone charger. Almost everyone has a spare Nokia charger.

No bristles
Several different finishes have been suggested. I have plans to allow for all of them (see below)

‘Dual action’
I’m not sure what this meant, but I’d assume thrusting as well as vibrating.

It increases the complexity but I was considering, and it has been suggested, some sort of remote control. Properly done, this could allow for use in either hand.

Again, this should go without saying. Control should allow for multiple speeds and strengths of vibration. (A friend of mine once had access to industrial vibration testing equipment and used it to find the optimum frequency range- 40 to 50 herz- for herself. I always thought it was 60Hz, but everyone’s different, which is why we need a wide band of speeds.)

Multisleeved/ Attachments
In much the same way as you could get new skins for mobiles Mr. Pattinson’s Patented Pussy Pleaser (working name) could have its shell changed. This would not just be for looks but could also vary the stimulation on offer. Suggested skins include-
Character. Dirk Benedict was suggested. Given that faces would be caricatured and the nose greatly exaggerated so it could act as a G Spot stimulator, it would be tricky to negotiate the rights. I might have to create my own set of creatures.
Spiral. Very effective, so I’m told.
Veined. For the few who like that sort of thing. (One of the other criteria was ‘Not looking like a penis.’)
Beads. Bit of a technical challenge.
Go faster stripes. You can tell this suggestion was made by a bloke, can’t you?
Silicone finish.

Easy clean/ Dishwasher proof/ Freezer proof/ Water proof/ Bath proof
Freezer proof?


Programmable/ voice commands/ remote control/ Bluetooth enabled/ USB connection/ networkable/ Java enable/ upgradeable
You can tell some of these suggestions were made by geeks, can’t you? With programming and some sort of networking a community could be created to swap configuration files. ‘Download Hot ‘n Hard lover boy settings here!’ ‘DildoWorks 2.1 has just been released.’

Sound effects
And silent? I guess sounds could be optional, for those times when you know you really are alone and won’t be disturbed.

‘Easy Find’
In the manner of those key rings that beep if you whistle for them.

Auto hide/ Dismantles into innocent looking components
Apparently there have been a few embarassing moments at airports.

Vibrates to music

It could light up as part of the Auto Find function. Or be the only source of light in the room- turn it on and off without even touching the switch.

Self lubricating
It was also suggested it should taste and smell nice, which could be achieved through use of the right lubricant.

Adjustable size
Girth and length. This could be done with the sleeves, but the vibration would be damped if they got too thick.

Snooze/ alarm
If you really want to be woken up that way…..

Quick start

‘Boyfriend detector’
Because we don’t want to damage their fragile little egos do we? You’ll notice that all the design suggestions are slanted toward the ideal sex toy for a woman. I guess we blokes have always got the tried and tested Mrs. Palm.

Everyone who was canvassed would undoubtedly go out of their way to test this.

Licking facility
Well, I guess there could be a tongue shaped sleeve.

The list is still open to additions. Leave them in the comments.

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