In fact, here is the whole 100 Things list as it currently stands. I’ve updated links but not any of the aims. Reminders of things I have done are welcome, as are suggestions for removal and replacement.
(Some of the later Things name the people who came up with them during a drunken brainstorming session.)
1. Play croquet
I don’t even know the rules to croquet.
2. Play strip croquet
Ah, the effect that Heathers can have on you.
3. Cycle the Coast to Coast
4. Keep a tidy house
Without calling in any sort of housekeeping services.
5. Live for (at least) three months in another country
6. Shoot Tony Blair
Already done that.
6. Try to get elected
What to, I don’t know.
7. Take part in a threesome
Yes, I know I’m not even participating in any twosomes at the moment, but this is a long term list. (And if I do achieve this one, I probably won’t announce it.)
8. Take part in a foursome
9. Take part in an orgy
Is an orgy 5 or more? Or is there an official lower limit to an orgy? Are there different imperial and metric orgies?
Which will be good all round. If I can manage to make it onto the list regularly, even better.
Edit Popdex has started behaving oddly, I’ll settle for getting on the Blogsnow list instead.
11. Mention sheep and still get laid
12. Make a living from writing
13. Make a film
It doesn’t have to be a feature length movie, but that would be the next step.
14. Get out of debt
I’ll discount any mortgage from this requirement, and just allow for clearing overdrafts and loans.
15. Become a millionnaire
16. Climb the highest peaks in each country of the United Kingdom
17. Learn to juggle
18. Build a model village
19. Upset the Daily Mail so much that they run a story about me being a threat to the nation’s morals
20. Visit the beaches of D-Day, and the little town of Quenast my grandparents’ house was named after
21. Visit Pearl Harbour
22. Read Moby Dick
Gratuitous Zelig reference.
23. Get interviewed by Richard and Judy
Or a passable equivalent.
24. Own a Land Rover
And actually use it for off roading.
25. Have a bike for every day of the week
Mountain bike, Jump bike/BMX, road bike, recumbent, folding, commuter, unicycle.
26. Give a grand to charity
Not raise a grand, but give one. Raising a grand should be possible, especially if I do 27.
27. Do over a hundred miles on the Bogle Roll
My plan for next year’s Roll. I’ll need to get another of my 7 bikes to do it.
28. Learn to snowboard
29. Get a dog
But not whilst I’m living in the city.
30. Own a thousand CDs (or have 100 Gbytes of MP3s on my computer.)
I’m going to cheat and allow CD singles in this.
31. Attend the Glastonbury festival
32. Roast my own coffee 33. Send a dirty text message
34. Propose to someone
35. Fly in a hot air balloon
36. Go to a shooting range
37. Spend a whole day watching all three of the Lord of the Rings films back to back
38. Buy a house
39. Own a piece of Microsoft
41. Canoe on the Thames
42. Figure out the question
43. Brew beer
44. Learn a new language
Spoken, not computer. And not Klingon.
45. Start a craze
46. Make love in a hammock
This one inspired by The Sure Thing
47. Visit every continent
48. Fly a helicopter
49. Build a tree house
50. Hold a party for a hundred people
51. Make love outdoors
The roundabout incident doesn’t count as it was unplanned, drunken horniness. However, I could go for getting 46 at the same time.
52. Join the Mile High Club
53. Join the Mile Low Club
In a cave or down a mine.
54. Join the Two Metres High club
On a train. Sleeper carriages count.
55. Exceed 40mph on a bike
56. Build a house
57. Learn to play a musical instrument
58. Get a signed letter from a serving head of state
Probably not going to be Tony, though.
59. Break a record
Even if it is for the silliest ‘Hundred things to do’ list.
60. Burn all my CD singles to MP3
61. Appear on Have I Got News For You?
This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.
62. Swim with Dolphins
It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do
63. Visit Japan
64. Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence
The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.
65. Learn Morse code
66. Attend Burning Man
There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.
67. Dance naked in the rain
68. Drive a race/ rally car
69. Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.
Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.
70. Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)
Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?
71. Play UV pool
72. Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.
Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’
73. Flash at a concert audience
Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.
74. Be a model at an Ann Summers party
75. Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal
Penny. So long as I don’t h
ave to do it in the actual canal.
76. Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations
Penny and Lesley.
77. Design a sex toy
Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.
78. Be an extra on a TV programme.
Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.
79. Buy lingerie for a woman
Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’
80. Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album
Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version
81. Learn to salsa
Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.
82. Have sex in an ambulance or hearse
Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.
83. Grow a bonsai tree
Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.
84. Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester
Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.
85. Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.
What they actually do is put your name on a board in the pub and, allegedly, get you a tankard engraved with your name.
86. Get zipped up in a US style body bag.
Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.
87. Create art using my body.
Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’
88. Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery
Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.
89. See a psychiatrist
Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.
90. See a psychosexual counsellor
Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.
91. Bowl on the Bowling Green again.
Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?
92. Attend a televised awards ceremony
93. Learn a programming language
Properly, not in the half arsed way I learnt to gaffer tape routines together in VBA. Griff says that C# is quite a lucrative area to be in.
94. Visit every Disneyland
This was actually Griff’s aim, but I stole it.
This aim has been removed from the list.
95. Get a free crate of Glenfiddich
Sometimes breweries will gift crates of their products to writers who mention them. I’m also open to offers of Jennings Sneck Lifter.
96. Go scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef
97. Get as close to an active volcano as possible
98. Attend a gala movie premiere
99. Publish a cook book
My sister’s been promising to write one for a while now. I must get her to finish it.
100. Get ‘Ian Seat’ into the OED
Being the position in a crowded room, bar, etc, which has the least advantageous view for eyeing up members of the opposite sex.
101. Burn all my CDs to MP3
102. Eat in, or from, every restaurant and kebabery in Rusholme.
Which could be a year or so’s work. Longer, considering how rarely I eat out. It’s not called the Curry Mile for nothing.
This replaces 94.
103. Go Guerilla Gardening
Next spring I’m walking around Manchester with a stick and a pocket full of seeds. I’m going to plant peas and herbs and other veg in flowerbeds and hedges.
104. Follow the route of the M60 by bike
Utilising side streets, riverbanks and paths.
105. Appear in a TV commercial.
Because they pay residuals. If it got shown enough, I could almost live off it.
106. Make love with a cheerleader.
Every American boy’s dream.
105 and 106 are provisional. If no-one can come up with better suggestions, they stay!