The last two films from the Big Guns Collection. I watched these two back to back, so some of the details may have merged together.

In Magnum Cop we’re introduced to a former cop turned private detective who’s skirting the edge of bankruptcy until he receives a large cheque and a request to hunt down the missing daughter of an Austrian banker. Finding the girl is easy enough- she has fallen in with a religious cult and started sending pornographic images to her father just to annoy him- but holding onto her and getting her back to Vienna proves trickier. When gratuitous nudity doesn’t sway him, she fakes a seizure and does a runner when he’s getting medicine- only to be kidnapped in the street wearing nothing more than a bedsheet.

The action moves to Vienna and the plot thickens as the banker calls off the search. Our hero, between seducing his Austrian associate’s secretary, starts investigating a schoolgirl’s death, gets involved with a stripper played by Joan Collins and uncovers a teen sex ring. All of which, eventually, ties in to his original job.

The tone is at odds with the sleazy subject matter, with the Italian hero and his Austrian counterpart both playing the buffoon at odd moments. This detracts from any efforts to build tension and rather undercuts the accelerating body count and the nastiness of the final twist reveal. If you can get past that, this is an interesting little thriller with a bit of nudity and less violence than you’d expect.

Emergency Squad is an altogether more dour film. An Interpol agent whose wife was gunned down by bank robbers finds similarities between a wages snatch and the robbery she was killed in. Out for revenge, he begins a relentless pursuit of the gang responsible for both crimes. This quickly becomes a long chase to the sea and the gang’s boat to freedom.

One by one, the gang are killed- mostly due to in-fighting- until it’s just the leader and the Interpol agent on a dock. The ending is all too obvious- it would have been neat to see the cliche undercut- and you do spend too long wondering why the Interpol man’s even being allowed to lead an investigation he has such personal investment in.

Two films from the Big Guns Collection.

I watched Violent Professionals over a couple of sittings because a glitch on the disc about a third of the way through kept making it freeze. That, and trying to write at the same time, meant I didn’t put as much effort into following it as I should have.

A highly strung and very violent cop is suspended when he wants to investigate the murder of his boss. Adrift, he tries to work his way into the organisation responsible for the killing. This involves, amongst other things, taking over the pimping of a prostitute, stealing a vintage Rolls Royce and seducing a woman he meets in a bar who lives in a palatial squat. All of this gets the attention of the group’s semi-legitimate head man and a job as a getaway driver. Beyond that, my attention wandered. The gang were revolutionaries- rich kids funding their rebellion with robberies when they could just take the money from their own bank accounts- or they were a front for the violent clean up of the criminal classes. I’m still not sure.

However, Violent Professionals does deliver a few good car chases. Not the staid, choreographed kind delivered by Hollywood, but far rougher and more realistic. One of them even manages, though it probably wasn’t conscious, to one up the classic driving through cardboard boxes cliche by setting them on fire.

Long Arm of the Godfather opens with the hijacking of an army lorry full of guns. After the hijack, low-level thug Vincenzo steals the load from his boss Don Carmelo. Thinking he’s left the old man dead, he sets out to find a buyer for the weapons. Of course, nothing’s ever that simple, and the Don is merely badly battered rather than rotting in his destroyed Citroen. Vincenzo heads south, to set up a deal with some Arabs, and he persuades his prostitute girlfriend to join him- because he needs to pawn some of her jewellery when finances are tight. The Don is rarely more than a step and a half behind, however.

The advantage in the game of cat and mouse swings back and forth between Don Carmelo and Vincenzo, and the body count of the collateral damage keeps growing. Finally the deal is done, but the Don is far closer than Vincenzo thinks, and the showdown is inevitable.

With the exception of Vincenzo’s girlfriend, there are no characters in this film you can really feel for. You switch allegiance back and forth from the vain, striving bastard Vincenzo to the nasty, vindictive Don (described as a “Mustache Pete” in the sleeve notes) all the way through. You want the youngster to get away with his audacious plan, until it’s obvious how delusional and selfish he is. Then you want the old guard to keep their place, until you see them in action. And so it goes, round and round, so that the ending- which isn’t good for either of them- is the most satisfying one possible.

Iron Sky’s less talented little brother.

This film promises Nazi UFOs and storm troop mecha, so how could I resist. It also has a nice sharp style to its opening titles. Sadly, it doesn’t deliver.

After an initial shot of Elefant tanks and a Haunebu style saucer craft being ominous in 1944, we’re taken back to 1943 and a completely different film. Five US service men (marines? I’m not sure it’s made clear) are sent into the Australian outback to hunt down a pair of escaped pumas- the mascots of the US Pacific fleet. Except that they’re also carrying an odd piece of technology, and the mission is not really about the big cats. Dodgy special effects, bad acting, time travel and illogical story twists follow.

The promised mecha and flying saucers finally materialise in the last fifteen minutes or so, and they’re badly rendered and disappointing. And then it’s revealed that this is just part one and there’s a sequel due. Despite everything, I have a horrible feeling I will be watching it.

Buy 25th Reich at Amazon.co.uk.