Canal

100 Things (Part 4: It all gets a little silly)

This entry was posted in 100 Things Canal Comics Daily Mail Geeks List Manchester naked sex Sex Toy on by

61.Appear on Have I Got News For You?
This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.

62.Swim with Dolphins
It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do

63.Visit Japan
Kawaii

64.Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence
The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.

65.Learn Morse code

66.Attend Burning Man
There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.

67.Dance naked in the rain

68.Drive a race/ rally car

Last night I handed out a notebook when we were in the pub and collected a few ideas. I’m going to reproduce them all, though some will have an X by them because they didn’t make it onto the list. Credit, and/ or blame is apportioned for each of the following, which is only fair.

69.Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.
Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.

X. Date a man for two weeks
Penny. I asked Harry if he’d go out with me, but he said no, so this isn’t going to happen

X. Prove I’m a better lover than Sid
I never claimed to be better than anyone, just very good. And it’s such a subjective thing anyway.

70.Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)
Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?

X. Hold a protest on the Mancunian Way for the purple lampposts
Penny. I’m not entirely sure what this means

71.Play UV pool
Daz.

72.Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.
Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’

X. Play the lead in a musical porn movie
Penny. Oh, oh, oh, fell-ay-shee-oh! Channel four did Pornography: the musical last year. This is off the list if only to protect people from my singing.

73.Flash at a concert audience
Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.

74.Be a model at an Ann Summers party
Penny.

X. Be a turkey inseminator
Penny. Maybe when I move to the country.

75.Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal
Penny. So long as I don’t have to do it in the actual canal.

76.Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations
Penny and Lesley.

77.Design a sex toy
Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.

78.Be an extra on a TV programme.
Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.

79.Buy lingerie for a woman
Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’

80.Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album
Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version

X. Purchase a vibrating vagina from Ann Summers
Zoe. Sorry, no.

X. Chat up a barmaid and get a snog and a slap from another
Penny.

X. Learn the difference between the Macarena, the Saturday Night dance and the chacha slide
Penny

81.Learn to salsa
Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.

X. Get a PC to use handcuffs on me in a ‘friendly way’.
Penny

82.Have sex in an ambulance or hearse
Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.

X. Have sex while skydiving
Penny. I don’t think that’s even possible, except for eagles.

X. Get a pet ferret and keep it in my trousers and take it for a walk
Penny and Lesley. The RSPCA would be all over me.

X. Full body wax (BSC)
Penny. I’ve already said an emphatic no to this several times.

X. Organise a naked Lazer Quest tournament
Daz. Body paint is allowed.

X. Get a job at an all girls school or college
Zoe. I like this idea, it could open doors to so many of the other tasks. It’s only not getting listed because it’s probably impossible.

X. Do a ‘Bruce’
Penny. There’s a line in Clerks about Randall’s cousin breaking his neck trying to perform this act. All I’m going to say is I used to be supple enough (just) and I could be again with a little yoga.

83.Grow a bonsai tree
Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.

84.Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester
Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.

X. Drink a bottle of vodka without throwing up.
Daz. No.

85.Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.
Me.

86.Get zipped up in a US style body bag.
Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.

87.Create art using my body.
Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’

88.Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery
Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.

89.See a psychiatrist
Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.

90.See a psychosexual counsellor
Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.

91.Bowl on the Bowling Green again.
Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?

X. Appear on Zero to Hero
Daz. I don’t know. Daz, despite being in denial, is a bigger geek than I, perhaps I should put his name forward.

There’s still room for another nine suggestions. Sensible ones preferred, but don’t let that stop you.

Dirty Old Town

This entry was posted in Canal Manchester Salford The Academy on by
I met my love by the gasworks wall

Dreamed a dream by the old canal

I kissed my girl by the factory wall

Dirty old town, dirty old town

Clouds are drifting across the moon

Cats are prowling on their beat

Springs a girl from the streets at night

Dirty old town, dirty old town

I heard a siren from the docks

Saw a train set the night on fire

I smelled the spring on the smokey wind

Dirty old town, dirty old town

I’m going to make me a big sharp axe

Shining steel tempered in the fire

I’ll chop you down like an old dead tree

Dirty old town, dirty old town

It’s another grey day in Manchester, but I do love this city. (Okay, the song’s really about Salford, but I have a dozen versions, including one by Frank Black. It was a bit shaming to see how few other people were singing along when he did his gig in the Academy last year.)

Door to desk in two hours

This entry was posted in Canal on by

They do say that commited cyclists have the bodies of people ten years their junior. This morning mine belonged to a slightly unhealthy and quite knackered 23 year old. He was full of that sense of indestructibility and know-it-all superiority that youngsters have, though. And he got me to work in ten minutes more than my normal bus-train-bus journey takes.

I ended up taking the Middlewood Way, rather than the canal route, but otherwise everything worked out as planned.

Statistics-

Distance: 17.99 miles (The AA reckoned 16.7 if I’d stuck to the roads, but then I’d have had to battle traffic lights and morons drivers all the way.)

Average (rolling) speed: 11.8 mph (average actual speed, with stops at traffic lights etc. would be about 9 mph)

Top speed: My bike computer doesn’t record this, but I checked whilst drafting a bus down the hill into Stockport and it said I was doing 26 mph.

The journey home should be quicker, because- apart from Stockport and a climb out of Macc- I think it’s mostly downhill all the way.

I want to ride my bicycle

This entry was posted in Canal photo on by

Well, I finally managed to leave the house today. After telling myself for the last week and a half I was going to take advantage of the lovely weather and go for a bike ride, I fanally got round to it. I took a random wander down roads I used to drive along on my way to Sheffield until I ended up in Denton, then I hit the canal. I’m a bit of a cheat with my mountain bike- I like nothing more than pottering along nice flat tow paths. I tend to break out in a sweat and come to a grinding halt at the sight of a hill.

Anyway, I followed the canal back, supposedly to Stockport, but actually only to Ashton Under Lyne, where I met the Ashton canal. I wandered along here instead. It got ever more familiar as I did, and I finally realised I’d been this way before when I spotted an abandoned tractor I put in this photo-

Click on image for full picture

Then along and past Sportcity and home.

Five minutes after I got home, it started to pour down.

Random Saturday night waffle

This entry was posted in Canal Linux Manchester on by

I only went into town to drop in my time sheet and pick up train tickets to Birmingham for Monday (yet more of my consulting gig. Almost got it finished, but not without calling Acces some very colourful names.) I ended up going for a ride around Ancoats, getting a whole load of pictures and finding some interesting stuff. For instance, I didn’t know Manchester had a skatepark. I also found a strange redbrick ‘Romanesque’ church (All Saints) and my old favourite photo subject- canals.

Zoe and Jenny expressed surprise (or possibly disappiontment) earlier this week that I hadn’t fallen off my bike with all the ice around. I knew they had hexed me with that, and today was the day, though there wasn’t even any ice around. Leaning too hard into a corner and hitting some oily tarmac, the front wheel began to get away from me. No harm, I didn’t even come all the way off.

Just over the wall from the house we should be moving to is an abandoned lot. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I will have to boost over the wall and have alook at it after we move.

A guide to bad web design. I’ve made a couple of changes already based upon it.

I must learn Linux, and a few other non Microsoft packages, so I can try to strike out in different directions. The site’s got mySQL available, so that’s quite high up my list of requirements.

My Saturday waffle just made it into Sunday. Time for bed.

This entry was posted in Canal Fiction Manchester on by

Ooops, missed yesterday’s post, too busy cycling the byways and canal sides out to Worsley. It’s a strange place to the North of Manchester that feels like South Manchester/ Cheshire. Very posh, and I got some dirty looks when I pulled up on the green with my bike.

Seeds–

As a collaborator, Aylo�s life should have been at risk every time he left his house. However, there were enough people- with enough influence, in the neighbourhood who knew the truth. He could even enter this darkest of dockers� drinkeries without fear and talk to two of the toughest gang bosses. �I think he is conflicted.�

�He is a Southerner.�

�His mother was of the city, and he grew nearly twenty seasons here. I also think he is of the type that is attracted to men, me in particular.�

�Pfah! That is the sort of arrogance that got your brother killed.�

Aylo struggled for a retort. The old man across the table put a hand on the woman�s shoulder. �I knew Aylo�s brother. He was only doing what he thought was right.�

�You were lucky he was unidentified.�

�Maybe one day he will be recognised as a hero of the resistance.�

�As will we all, hopefully. What information do you have.�

Blessed with a photographic memory, Aylo could do without carrying incriminating copies around. �They are sending two hundred troops out onto the Plains to search for the people sabotaging the railroads.�

�Who is sabotaging the railroads?�

�I think they are chasing shadows. It removes troops from the city.�

The man nodded, �Anything else?�

�Paper and a scriber.� Both appeared from the woman�s direction. Aylo drew a plan of the marshalling yards. �There was a report, about an air raid in the mountains. At a training camp for mountain troops. There have been a number of air raids in the region recently. None of them knows what it means.� He circled the most vulnerable junctions, the ones where traffic was too high.

�Neither do I. If I did know, it would be unwise to tell it to one who walks into the enemy�s offices every day.�

�You are right. Of course.� Aylo downed his ale. �I am just inquisitive. I should go.� Turning to the woman, he finally asked, �How is my nephew?�

�He misses his father.� She looked directly at Aylo to add, �And his uncle.�

�Yes. Well�� With luck, this shall be all over soon.�

I found some of my ‘missing’ CDs, appropriated into John’s CD case (who’d have thought), but still not the ones I listed- Sampled Vol 1, OPM- Menace To Sobriety.

This entry was posted in Canal Fiction on by


And some more of Eliza Effect–

Parallel_Parking

Owen found Kate registering at The Jury�s Inn, with what looked like the HR heavy squad in tow. Whilst the white men in black suits registered, he circled long enough to catch the same lift as her. �Hey.�

�Hey.�

There was an embarrassed silence as the lift doors closed. They both went for the same floor button. �Which room?� Owen asked.

�Two oh three.�

�Neat. I�m two oh five. Want to, um, get together? I mean we can go out for a meal and stuff and�.�

�I don�t think I can. I promised the boys we�d go out for a meal and find the Gay village.�

�Out the front doors, turn right, up the road, right at the second set of lights then left before the canal.�

�I�ll take them, have a meal and leave them. Meet you here at eight.� She kissed him quickly on the lips before the doors opened.

�Why are we out here, again?�

�Because the head of HR booked in and has the room between ours.�

�So?�

�So. Well, I am a bit vocal, aren�t I?�

�Oh yeah.�

�And stop grinning. I just don�t want to give him anything to gossip about.�

They could hear cars on the motorway, and water in the river. �Dark, isn�t it?�

They kissed, and shuffled around to get good leverage. Kate moved closer. �Ow.�

�Hmm. Here try moving this way�.�

�Ow. No, that�s no better.�

�Just let me move this. Is that better?�

�Yeah.� Kate shuffled over, half way onto his seat. �Are we moving?�

�Nah, can�t be��. Shit!�

The car came to an abrupt halt as Owen pulled on the hand brake. �Ooops.�

�Sorry.�

�Don�t apologise. I�m the one who nearly rolled us into the Mersey.�

Silence for a moment, then Kate eyed up the back seat. �This thing�s a four door isn�t it?�

Playlist- Meatloaf- Midnight At The Lost And Found, Catatonia- Equally Cursed and Blessed, Republica- Republica