100 Things – editing the Things

Having reinstated the 100 Things list I have decided to remove some of the ideas- and call for suggestions to replace them- and edit others.

8. Take part in a foursome

According to the Purity Test, a foursome is an orgy. So this has been removed as a duplicate Thing.

10. Make it into the Popdex (and/or Blogdex) top 100

This one isn’t being removed as such, it’s just that with Digg etc. it’s not such a static target. Maybe it should now be “Rank highly on a top link popularity site.” or something.

12. Make a living from writing

Is now “Make a living from Spinneyhead.”

72. Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses

Because it’s just silly. It’s dropped.

Actually, that was fewer than I thought I’d be removing. I must be feeling more optimistic than when I resurrected the list. That’s only two new Things that are required. Suggestions in the comments please.

Whilst I’m on the subject, a lot of work was put into the Perfect Sex Toy design only to find companies bringing out products with our desired features. Now, if you’re not so geeky that you have no free USB ports, you can get a simple USB powered massager (affiliate link) for use at the keyboard. It’s just a simple on/off device with no way to tie it to your activity, but it’s a start.

(Bonus affiliate links- I Rub My Duckie, Ernie’s favourite toy gone naughty, and I Rub My Devil Duckie, which is the same product with added horns.)

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Wedding Lists at Amazon

I just noticed that Amazon now has, as well as “Add to Wishlist”, an “Add to Wedding List” button on its product pages. A quick perfect wedding list list-

Divorce for Dummies

Daily Mirror, 28 April 2004
“…an excellent investment…”

It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce

KoKo is a realistically sad unisex bear who learns the divorce is not KoKo’s fault, that those sad feelings will pass, that a child can love and be loved by both parents even when living in a family apart. I believe this book will make a difference in your child’s adjustment to divorce.

The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette

If you’re considering having an affair (or suspect that your partner is having one) THE 50-MILE RULE gives you the information you need to make smarter decisions when pursuing sex outside of marriage. Discover who makes a suitable affair partner, the rules you must never break, when to call it quits, and what to do if you’re caught. This is the ultimate handbook for cheater and scorned alike.

The Toybag Guide to Clips & Clamps
The Toybag Guide to Canes & Caning
The Toybag Guide to Dungeon Emergencies & Supplies
Toybag Guide to High-tech Toys

21st Century Swinging: A Guide for the Tempted

Have you ever: fantasised about being watched while having sex? imagined having a threesome? Or a foursome? wanted to watch your partner make love to someone else? Then this is definitely the book for you. Basic swinging etiquette is clearly explained together with real-life swinging experiences, all of which will help to identify whether you’re ready to enter into the ‘swinging’ world. It also addresses questions such as: where can I meet swingers? what can I expect at a swingers’ party? what should I wear? where could I advertise and what should I write? This book promises to enlighten, entertain and turn on!

I could go on, but I think I ought to stop now before people start crossing me off their guest lists.

My (non-wedding) wish list can be found here. Be nice to me, buy me presents.

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That list in full

In fact, here is the whole 100 Things list as it currently stands. I’ve updated links but not any of the aims. Reminders of things I have done are welcome, as are suggestions for removal and replacement.

(Some of the later Things name the people who came up with them during a drunken brainstorming session.)

1. Play croquet

I don’t even know the rules to croquet.

2. Play strip croquet

Ah, the effect that Heathers can have on you.

3. Cycle the Coast to Coast

4. Keep a tidy house

Without calling in any sort of housekeeping services.

5. Live for (at least) three months in another country

6. Shoot Tony Blair

Already done that.

6. Try to get elected

What to, I don’t know.

7. Take part in a threesome

Yes, I know I’m not even participating in any twosomes at the moment, but this is a long term list. (And if I do achieve this one, I probably won’t announce it.)

8. Take part in a foursome

9. Take part in an orgy

Is an orgy 5 or more? Or is there an official lower limit to an orgy? Are there different imperial and metric orgies?

10. Make it into the Popdex (and/or Blogdex) top 100

Which will be good all round. If I can manage to make it onto the list regularly, even better.

Edit Popdex has started behaving oddly, I’ll settle for getting on the Blogsnow list instead.

11. Mention sheep and still get laid

12. Make a living from writing

13. Make a film

It doesn’t have to be a feature length movie, but that would be the next step.

14. Get out of debt

I’ll discount any mortgage from this requirement, and just allow for clearing overdrafts and loans.

15. Become a millionnaire

Foreign currency counts.

16. Climb the highest peaks in each country of the United Kingdom

17. Learn to juggle

18. Build a model village

19. Upset the Daily Mail so much that they run a story about me being a threat to the nation’s morals

20. Visit the beaches of D-Day, and the little town of Quenast my grandparents’ house was named after

21. Visit Pearl Harbour

22. Read Moby Dick

Gratuitous Zelig reference.

23. Get interviewed by Richard and Judy

Or a passable equivalent.

24. Own a Land Rover

And actually use it for off roading.

25. Have a bike for every day of the week

Mountain bike, Jump bike/BMX, road bike, recumbent, folding, commuter, unicycle.

26. Give a grand to charity

Not raise a grand, but give one. Raising a grand should be possible, especially if I do 27.

27. Do over a hundred miles on the Bogle Roll

My plan for next year’s Roll. I’ll need to get another of my 7 bikes to do it.

28. Learn to snowboard

29. Get a dog

But not whilst I’m living in the city.

30. Own a thousand CDs (or have 100 Gbytes of MP3s on my computer.)

I’m going to cheat and allow CD singles in this.

31. Attend the Glastonbury festival

32. Roast my own coffee

Done that.

33. Send a dirty text message

34. Propose to someone

35. Fly in a hot air balloon

36. Go to a shooting range

37. Spend a whole day watching all three of the Lord of the Rings films back to back

Extended cuts.

38. Buy a house

39. Own a piece of Microsoft

40. Moblog

First done here, then conclusively here, here and here. And regularly since.

41. Canoe on the Thames

42. Figure out the question

43. Brew beer

44. Learn a new language

Spoken, not computer. And not Klingon.

45. Start a craze

46. Make love in a hammock

This one inspired by The Sure Thing

47. Visit every continent

48. Fly a helicopter

49. Build a tree house

50. Hold a party for a hundred people

51. Make love outdoors

The roundabout incident doesn’t count as it was unplanned, drunken horniness. However, I could go for getting 46 at the same time.

52. Join the Mile High Club

53. Join the Mile Low Club

In a cave or down a mine.

54. Join the Two Metres High club

On a train. Sleeper carriages count.

55. Exceed 40mph on a bike

Downhill counts.

56. Build a house

57. Learn to play a musical instrument

58. Get a signed letter from a serving head of state

Probably not going to be Tony, though.

59. Break a record

Even if it is for the silliest ‘Hundred things to do’ list.

60. Burn all my CD singles to MP3

61. Appear on Have I Got News For You?

This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.

62. Swim with Dolphins

It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do

63. Visit Japan


64. Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence

The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.

65. Learn Morse code

66. Attend Burning Man

There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.

67. Dance naked in the rain

68. Drive a race/ rally car

69. Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.

Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.

70. Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)

Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?

71. Play UV pool


72. Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.

Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’

73. Flash at a concert audience

Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.

74. Be a model at an Ann Summers party


75. Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal

Penny. So long as I don’t h
ave to do it in the actual canal.

76. Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations

Penny and Lesley.

77. Design a sex toy

Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.

This project is under way. After posting the list of recommended features, I received quite a peak in hits. I have now moved on to the shopping list for building the test version.

In the meantime, there is a range of Perfect Sex Toy clothing- Ladies top, Ladies Tank Top and Long Sleeve T Shirt.

78. Be an extra on a TV programme.

Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.

79. Buy lingerie for a woman

Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’

80. Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album

Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version

81. Learn to salsa

Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.

82. Have sex in an ambulance or hearse

Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.

83. Grow a bonsai tree

Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.

84. Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester

Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.

85. Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.

What they actually do is put your name on a board in the pub and, allegedly, get you a tankard engraved with your name.

Anyway, the challenge has been done, and recorded here and up. Pictures.

86. Get zipped up in a US style body bag.

Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.

87. Create art using my body.

Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’

88. Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery

Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.

89. See a psychiatrist

Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.

90. See a psychosexual counsellor

Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.

91. Bowl on the Bowling Green again.

Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?

92. Attend a televised awards ceremony

93. Learn a programming language

Properly, not in the half arsed way I learnt to gaffer tape routines together in VBA. Griff says that C# is quite a lucrative area to be in.

94. Visit every Disneyland

This was actually Griff’s aim, but I stole it.

This aim has been removed from the list.

95. Get a free crate of Glenfiddich

Sometimes breweries will gift crates of their products to writers who mention them. I’m also open to offers of Jennings Sneck Lifter.

96. Go scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef

97. Get as close to an active volcano as possible

98. Attend a gala movie premiere

Hell, if Rebecca Loos can do it, so can I. But I’m not shagging any footballers except
these two.

99. Publish a cook book

My sister’s been promising to write one for a while now. I must get her to finish it.

100. Get ‘Ian Seat’ into the OED

Being the position in a crowded room, bar, etc, which has the least advantageous view for eyeing up members of the opposite sex.

101. Burn all my CDs to MP3

102. Eat in, or from, every restaurant and kebabery in Rusholme.

Which could be a year or so’s work. Longer, considering how rarely I eat out. It’s not called the Curry Mile for nothing.

This replaces 94.

103. Go Guerilla Gardening

Next spring I’m walking around Manchester with a stick and a pocket full of seeds. I’m going to plant peas and herbs and other veg in flowerbeds and hedges.

104. Follow the route of the M60 by bike

Utilising side streets, riverbanks and paths.

105. Appear in a TV commercial.

Because they pay residuals. If it got shown enough, I could almost live off it.

106. Make love with a cheerleader.

Every American boy’s dream.

105 and 106 are provisional. If no-one can come up with better suggestions, they stay!

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The return of 100 Things

After accidentally deleting the whol of Spinneyhead before Easter, the 100 Things To Do page wasn’t reinstated. I was talking about it last night and decided it should return.

Some of the things are out of date now, so I may go back in a while and edit it. Suggestions will be welcomed.

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Top of the Not-Pops

The 25 worst things to happen to popular music, allegedly.

6. Light air craft: Responsible for the early retirement of Patsy Cline, half of Lynyrd Skynyrd, John Denver, Ricky Nelson, Stevie Ray Vaughan and – on the day the music died – Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper and Ritchie Valens. There’s a good reason the tour bus is still so popular.

3. Ecstasy: Guilty of convincing a generation of young adults to cram into filthy warehouses, wave glow-sticks and bounce along to the same monotonous groove for hours on end.

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Key Keywords

I’m not in the habit of chasing the highest paying keywords for my Adsense ads, and this list of the highest paying keywords shows why. They’re all unbelievably dull.

$54.33 mesothelioma lawyers
$47.79 what is mesothelioma
$47.72 peritoneal mesothelioma
$47.25 consolidate loans
$47.16 refinancing mortgage
$45.55 tax attorney
$41.22 mesothelioma
$38.86 car accident lawyer
$38.68 ameriquest mortgage
$38.03 mortgage refinance

via BoingBoing

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The complete Manchester Blogmeet list

Thanks to Neil of A Cloud in Trousers, there is now a full list of the Manchester Blogmeet attendees. I could just link to the post, but I thought I’d reproduce it here so everyone can enjoy a little extra exposure for the search engines and rankings sites-

Neil, Chris, Kate(1) aka Yankunian, Kate(2), Norm, Chern Jie, Clare, Tim, Lisa, Abby, Jonathan, Me, Mike, Richard, Tom, Duncan, Dan, Phil, and Rob.

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to do

I resisted making any new year resolutions or proclaiming anything on the most depressing day. But i think there’s definitely room for a list of things i’d like to achieve in the next year or two-
work from home. The blogs are part of this plan, but i have a few other ideas to work on.
Build a bike. The phoenix project on my commuter was very satisfying, but i’ve been looking at plans for recumbent bikes and i want to build one of them.
Get a workshop. I’m going to need one to build a bike, and i have other projects in mind that would require work space.
Get a crop from the allotment. Not that hard really, even with the little time i’ve been devoting to it so far.
Move to a bigger place. With a garden, because our next move will probably be away from the allotment, and maybe a garage that i can turn into a workshop.
Do a web comic that doesn’t miss so many update deadlines. I have a few planned, but i’m going to resist rolling them out until the story lines are nearly done.
Leave the country. Even if it’s only for a weekend. I would like to go to the angouleme comic festival next year.
Cycle at least fifty miles a week. As i ride ten miles every time i bike to work that should be easy.
Write a book. I’d particularly like to write a wildly popular children’s book and retire on the proceeds.
More to follow as i think of them.

What would Jesus shoplift?

More than 3.5 million people have admitted shoplifting in the past five years, according to new research. What do they take?

That’s £13million worth of thefts, which is probably less than an average Saturday’s profit. What do they take? “Top of the list are razor blades, according to the research. Followed by cosmetics, alcohol, toiletries, lingerie, CDs and DVDs.”

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Time for some PC advice

I need a new computer. Luckily enough I can actually afford to buy one. It’s just that the options are so varied. I know what I want to do and I think I’ve got an idea of what I need, but I’ll list the criteria here and see if anyone has any better ideas.

Mostly I want to do graphics- the comics and photo stuff, video editing and 3d. Poser isn’t a Maya level 3d engine, but it does use raytracing in the new version’s renders. It’s getting a bit much waiting 4 hours for a preview render only to discover I’ve got the hair colour wrong. I’m not that fussed about gaming at the moment, and I’m more likely to play real time strategy than first person shooters, but it would be nice to shoot things every so often.

So I reckon processor power, RAM and hard disk space are very important factors. An external drive for backups might also be a good investment. A nice, large flat screen monitor. I don’t need a bundled camera, scanner or printer (crap as the current printer is being at the moment), because I’ll pick my own when I want to get them. And on-site warranty would be nice.

Not a lot to ask for, really. Any suggestions anyone? I have to sort it out by Christmas as well, because that’s when I’ve promised my parents they can have my current one.

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All books sent under a plain brown wrapper……

Yet more books have been listed on Amazon The “Direct” link before each of them takes you to my listing in the marketplace. If it’s gone, the other link takes you to its full listing.

Direct Ex Libris [Paperback] by Rotundo, Massimo; Rotundo
Late nineteenth century naughtiness depicted with fine line work.

Direct Shorts [Paperback]by Manara, Milo
Direct Click: A Woman Under the Influence [Paperback] by Manara, Milo
Two comics from the Italian master of gorgeously rendered smut.

Direct Little Ego [Paperback] by Giardino, Vittorio
It seems this book is quite rare, hence the price tag. Clear line and colour pastiches of the Little Nemo comics of the Thirties, in which the eponymous heroine finds herself in surreal situations, usually involving nudeness and elicit sex.

Direct Young Witches [Paperback] by Barreiro
Dark in more ways than one. The art reminds me of old school war comics in the heavy lines and shading, but the subject is something else again. The pupils of this Wiccan college must undergo some major degradation before they can graduate. Not really my kind of thing, though I didn’t know that when I picked it up.

Direct Erika [Paperback] by Fattori
Very modern Euro style art- bright colours and sharp lines- illustrate the story of a very open relationship.

Direct K [Paperback] by Easterman, Daniel
I haven’t actually read this one. Thriller set in an America overrun by the Klan.

Direct The Aardvark Is Ready for War [Paperback] by Blinn, James
Dark satire set during the first Gulf War. The Aardvark doesn’t really want to fight, and the story follows his voyage out to the Gulf and all the ways he tries to avoid his duty.

Direct Day of Infamy: Attack on Pearl Harbor (Wordsworth Military Library) [Paperback]
Comprehensive book on the Pearl Harbour attack. Has a lot of the details missed out of all the modern documentaries on the subject.

Direct The Dam Busters (Pan Grand Strategy S.) [Paperback] by Brickhill, Paul
617 Squadron wasn’t just about the bouncing bomb and their first raid. They went on to pioneer precision bombing- practically heresy at the time- and deliver the then largest conventional bombs. This book was one of the prime sources for the classic film, but follows the squadron through to the end of the war.

Direct Stupid White Men: …and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation…
Need I say more.

Direct Underwater Warriors: The Fighting History of Midget Submarines (Cassell…
A history of miniature subs and their varied success in war service.

Direct Holy War Inc. Inside the Secret World of Osama bin Laden [Hardcover] by Bergen
I reviewed this book here.

Direct Dilbert: You Don’t Need Experience If You’ve Got Attitude [Hardcover] by Adams
Direct Dilbert: Please Don’t Feed the Egos [Hardcover] by Adams, Scott
Direct The Dilbert Bunch [Hardcover] by Adams, Scott

Direct Lone Wolf: True Stories of Spree Killers [Paperback] by Pantziarka, Pan

Back from the period when I was fascinated with serial killers and their like.

Direct Atomised [Paperback] by Houellebecq, Michel; Wynne, Frank
Never got round to reading this one.

Direct Cardiff Dead [Paperback] by Williams, John
Or this one.

Direct Why Do People Hate America? [Paperback] by Sardar, Ziauddin; Davies, Merryl Wyn
Reviewed here.

Direct The Memory of Whiteness [Paperback] by Robinson, Kim Stanley
Haven’t read this one.

Direct Women on Top [Paperback] by Friday, Nancy
Direct Men in Love [Paperback] by Friday, Nancy
Before I read these books I was worried my fantasies were a bit
freaky. After reading them I was afraid my fantasies were a bit weak.

Direct Stalingrad [Paperback] by Beevor, Antony
A big book about an epic battle.

Direct Blind Man’s Bluff: The Untold Story of American Submarine Espionage
Fascinating stuff about the Cold War submarine operations of the US Navy.

Direct Just Capital [Paperback] by Turner, Adair; Dahrendorf, Ralf
Haven’t read this one.

Direct Bomber Command (Pan Grand Strategy S.) [Paperback] by Hastings, Max
Direct The Korean War (Pan Grand Strategy S.) [Paperback] by Hastings, Max
Max Hastings has written a lot of thorough book about war and major battles. I have more, but, for now, these are the ones I’m selling.

Direct Dogs of God [Paperback] by Benedict, Pinckney
Never read this.

Direct Love Machine [Paperback] by Altuna Et Al
Comic done in an interesting wash and line art. The Love Machine is an arcade machine that plays viewers short films. Every film, no matter how fantastic the setting, somehow relates back to dilemmas in the viewer’s life.

Direct Clone: The Road to Dolly and the Path Ahead (Penguin Press Science S…
Never read this.

Direct Zigzag Street [Paperback] by Earls, Nick
Signed by the author, perhaps I should re-list it as collectible.

Direct Judge Dredd: The Cursed Earth (2000 AD presents) [Paperback] by Pat Mills…
Direct Judge Dredd: The Judge Child Quest (2000AD Presents) [Paperback] by Wagner…
Direct Judge Dredd: The Apocalypse War (2000AD Presents) [Paperback] by John Wagner…
Three Judge Dredd classics that I’d never read until I found these collected editions.

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Flying off the shelves

As suggested earlier, here is a list of the books and DVDs lited on Amazon so far. Links are to the product pages, if you want to buy my copies you’ll have to click through to the marketplace and search me out.

There follows the first part of a glance into my buying habits and perhaps my soul-

The Dilbert Principle, Dilbert: The Joy of Work, The Dilbert Future: Thriving on Stupidity in the 21st Century

Life at The Gas was far too much like Dilbert. I bought these three as a set, but they’ve been treated with different levels of respect.

The Greatest Raid of All

Tells the tale of a daring commando raid on the biggest dry dock on occupied France’s Atlantic Coast. Putting it out of action reduced the effectiveness of Germany’s largest battle ships as they had nowhere to go to get repaired.

In the Beginning…Was the Command Line

A fascinating essay on operating systems by the author of Cryptonomicon.

Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and…

I’ll be honest, I never got round to reading this. As it’s been sitting on the bookshelf for about four years I guess I never will.

Dude, Where’s My Country?

Michael Moore at his acidic best. For those few of you who just don’t get it there’s always Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid White Man.

The Butcher

Literary smut from France. A young student falls for the animal charms of the butcher for whom she is working in the Summer vacation.

Executive Target [1997] [DVD]

Michael Madsen is the washed up stunt driver blackmailed into being the wheel man when the President is kidnapped. Cheese, but with some okay car chases.

The Gladiator

Directed by Abel Ferrara of Driller Killer fame, this is TV movie fodder about a man becoming a vigilante to avenge the death of his younger brother and becoming what he is trying to fight against.

Battleship “Tirpitz”

Dad got this from his book club by accident and passed it on to me. As I’m not about to do any ship modelling I thought I’d sell it.

And there’ll be more in the coming days. I’ll be updating as and when I feel like it.

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