Daily Mail


A trip into the Daily-Mailiverse

Just a few Daily Mail stories from the last few days.

Holy diversity! Look what’s happened to Batwoman

Holy sad comics news story cliche number one!

The new Batwoman is to be a “buxom socialite” lesbian and (Gasp! Choke!) comics in general are becoming a bit less white.

(Wikipedia’s Batwoman page)

Harry Potter heroine ‘encourages violence in girls’

I haven’t read the books, but I have seen the films and Hermione is portrayed as a geek most of the time. So why isn’t there a shocking rise in girls studying as a result? I think someone has a book to sell.

Professor James Garbarino, author of the book, See Jane Hit: Why Girls Are Growing More Violent and What We Can Do About it

There’s a surprise.

(Harry Potter stuff on Amazon)

Farmer who builds gallows accused of profiting from death

So it would be okay if he did it for charity? From that offended headline they managed to twist the story round to suggest the return of capital punishment mightn’t be so bad, especially for child murderers.

Brown’s billions are ‘sovietising’ the north

Wythenshawe just looks like a gulag, okay. I know, let’s privatise everything.

Downloads of Net porn hit record high

More than nine million men – almost 40 per cent of the adult male population – logged on to sex websites last year, more than four times as many as the estimated two million in 2000.

The number of women downloading Internet porn soared 30 per cent to 1.4million.

So more women are looking at porn but, somehow, it’s only the men who have “unrealistic” expectations because of what they see? Is Britain a country of hot studs with big dicks and perfect six packs?

And no, dear Daily Mail reporter, adult pornography does not lead to child porn addiction.

Why won’t internet bosses stamp out web porn?

Or, rather, “Why won’t they do what we tell them to do?”

Old graves may be used for double burials

The idea involves reopening untended graves more than 75 years old and transferring the remains to a smaller container, which would be buried deeper in the same plot.

Another coffin could then be lowered into the original space.

Why does Ken Loach loathe his country so much?

Because of people like you?

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"Young must research sex – Blair"

As opposed to experimenting, I guess. More meaningless advice from our Prime Minister. I don’t know what the sex education situation is in schools these days, but it looks like he tiptoed around the subject, probably didn’t want to offend any Daily Mail readers, I guess.

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"British values"

So, just what are British values?

The Daily Mail

When people start blaming “politically correct teachers” and “the doctrines of multi-culturalism” I want to reach into the monitor and slap them really, really hard. Sorry folks, but your heroine Maggie Thatcher, and the generations of politicians before and since who’ve tried to pander to the reactionary Mail and tabloid readers, did an order more damage to British society than an army of multi-cultural teachers ever could.

The Mirror

I hope the first guy’s taking the piss, because I’m as unBritish as you can get by his standards. I remained blissfully unaware that the FA Cup final was on until the radio started telling me about the celebrations on Sunday, and I still don’t know or care who was playing.

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Daily Mail Watch- violent video games cause epilepsy?

It’s almost refreshing to see the Daily Mail is just as moronic and reactionary as ever. An 11 year old suffered a fit that showed all the signs of photo sensitive epilepsy whilst playing Resident Evil 4. The story contains all the facts necessary to contradict it’s premise- that violent video games are bad for you and, somehow, now make people epileptic- there’s a big warning in the instructions about flickering effects in the animation, the parents were shocked by the game’s content but didn’t seem to have paused for thought when seeing it was a 15 certificate.

The most stupid line is probably-

[Jack’s father] added that the fit could have had much more serious consequences if Jack had been alone and banged his head.

Give the man a stating-the-obvious award.

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Weekend matinee

DVDs watched over the weekend-

Texas Chainsaw Massacre A movie can get no higher recommendation than the Daily Mail calling for it to be banned. Dark humour and psychological horror are the thing here rather than gore. I’m going to watch the documentary backup to find out whether this was another Ed Gein inspired movie or the “True Events” it’s based upon are something else.

Ginger Snaps. A more contemporary, and supernatural, horror. The connection between menstruation and the werewolf myth is made quite clear here, and the old silver bullet solution is given a coherent explanation. (There’s a sequel Ginger Snaps Unleashed and a prequel Ginger Snaps Back.)

Memento. Very clever and very well done, the twist ending has elements that you saw coming and ones you didn’t but which fit perfectly. There’s a hidden feature allowing you to watch the film in chronological order, but that seems a bit redundant to me.

Queen of the Damned. I haven’t watched Interview with the Vampire yet, but I imagine it’s far better than this. Not quite Catwoman bad, but not very good either.

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Nine More Songs

I’m getting a lot of hits s a result of searches for Nine Songs, mentioned on Monday. Who would have thought that sex sells?

So, as a public service, here are a couple more links- The Mirror X-PLICIT: RUDEST FILM EVER TO HIT CINEMAS

The Telegraph- ‘People who say this sex film is offensive are liars’

Late Addition The Daily Mail- Director defends sex shocker

Most of these articles say the same thing, I’d guess they’ve been cobbled together from a press release and the earlier Guardian piece. The only major difference is in the handling of the female lead’s name and her willingness to be identified.


100 Things (Part 4: It all gets a little silly)

61.Appear on Have I Got News For You?
This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.

62.Swim with Dolphins
It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do

63.Visit Japan
Kawaii

64.Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence
The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.

65.Learn Morse code

66.Attend Burning Man
There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.

67.Dance naked in the rain

68.Drive a race/ rally car

Last night I handed out a notebook when we were in the pub and collected a few ideas. I’m going to reproduce them all, though some will have an X by them because they didn’t make it onto the list. Credit, and/ or blame is apportioned for each of the following, which is only fair.

69.Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.
Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.

X. Date a man for two weeks
Penny. I asked Harry if he’d go out with me, but he said no, so this isn’t going to happen

X. Prove I’m a better lover than Sid
I never claimed to be better than anyone, just very good. And it’s such a subjective thing anyway.

70.Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)
Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?

X. Hold a protest on the Mancunian Way for the purple lampposts
Penny. I’m not entirely sure what this means

71.Play UV pool
Daz.

72.Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.
Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’

X. Play the lead in a musical porn movie
Penny. Oh, oh, oh, fell-ay-shee-oh! Channel four did Pornography: the musical last year. This is off the list if only to protect people from my singing.

73.Flash at a concert audience
Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.

74.Be a model at an Ann Summers party
Penny.

X. Be a turkey inseminator
Penny. Maybe when I move to the country.

75.Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal
Penny. So long as I don’t have to do it in the actual canal.

76.Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations
Penny and Lesley.

77.Design a sex toy
Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.

78.Be an extra on a TV programme.
Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.

79.Buy lingerie for a woman
Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’

80.Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album
Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version

X. Purchase a vibrating vagina from Ann Summers
Zoe. Sorry, no.

X. Chat up a barmaid and get a snog and a slap from another
Penny.

X. Learn the difference between the Macarena, the Saturday Night dance and the chacha slide
Penny

81.Learn to salsa
Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.

X. Get a PC to use handcuffs on me in a ‘friendly way’.
Penny

82.Have sex in an ambulance or hearse
Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.

X. Have sex while skydiving
Penny. I don’t think that’s even possible, except for eagles.

X. Get a pet ferret and keep it in my trousers and take it for a walk
Penny and Lesley. The RSPCA would be all over me.

X. Full body wax (BSC)
Penny. I’ve already said an emphatic no to this several times.

X. Organise a naked Lazer Quest tournament
Daz. Body paint is allowed.

X. Get a job at an all girls school or college
Zoe. I like this idea, it could open doors to so many of the other tasks. It’s only not getting listed because it’s probably impossible.

X. Do a ‘Bruce’
Penny. There’s a line in Clerks about Randall’s cousin breaking his neck trying to perform this act. All I’m going to say is I used to be supple enough (just) and I could be again with a little yoga.

83.Grow a bonsai tree
Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.

84.Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester
Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.

X. Drink a bottle of vodka without throwing up.
Daz. No.

85.Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.
Me.

86.Get zipped up in a US style body bag.
Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.

87.Create art using my body.
Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’

88.Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery
Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.

89.See a psychiatrist
Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.

90.See a psychosexual counsellor
Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.

91.Bowl on the Bowling Green again.
Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?

X. Appear on Zero to Hero
Daz. I don’t know. Daz, despite being in denial, is a bigger geek than I, perhaps I should put his name forward.

There’s still room for another nine suggestions. Sensible ones preferred, but don’t let that stop you.


100 Things (part 1)

Whilst wandering around the blogosphere the other day I found someone who had drawn up a list of a hundred things to do before he died. He hadn’t linked to the list and I forgot where it was anyway, but it has inspired me to make a list of my own.

This is 100 things to do and should be a perpetually updated list. Every time I achieve a goal I have to cross it off and add another one to the list. This is part one of the list, in no particular order, feel free to make suggestions.

1. Play croquet
I don’t even know the rules to croquet.
2. Play strip croquet
Ah, the effect that Heathers can have on you.
3. Cycle the Coast to Coast
4. Keep a tidy house
Without calling in any sort of housekeeping services.
5. Live for (at least) three months in another country
6. Shoot Tony Blair
Already done that.
6. Try to get elected
What to, I don’t know.
7. Take part in a threesome
Yes, I know I’m not even participating in any twosomes at the moment, but this is a long term list. (And if I do achieve this one, I probably won’t announce it.)
8. Take part in a foursome
9. Take part in an orgy
Is an orgy 5 or more? Or is there an official lower limit to an orgy? Are there different imperial and metric orgies?
10. Make it into the Popdex top 100
Which will be good all round. If I can manage to make it onto the list regularly, even better.
11. Mention sheep and still get laid
12. Make a living from writing
13. Make a film
It doesn’t have to be a feature length movie, but that would be the next step.
14. Get out of debt
I’ll discount any mortgage from this requirement, and just allow for clearing overdrafts and loans.
15. Become a millionnaire
Foreign currency counts.
16. Climb the highest peaks in each country of the United Kingdom
17. Learn to juggle
18. Build a model village
19. Upset the Daily Mail so much that they run a story about me being a threat to the nation’s morals
20. Visit the beaches of D-Day, and the little town of Quenast my grandparents’ house was named after
21. Visit Pearl Harbour
22. Read Moby Dick
Gratuitous Zelig reference.
23. Get interviewed by Richard and Judy
Or a passable equivalent.
24. Own a Land Rover
And actually use it for off roading.
25. Have a bike for every day of the week
Mountain bike, Jump bike/BMX, road bike, recumbent, folding, commuter, unicycle.

More to follow.


Bad Boys

Penny sent me the text of an article in the Daily Mail:

“The world’s biggest retailer Wal-Mart has pulled three racy British-bred magazines from it’s shelves in a backlash against nudity and obscenity.

FHM, Maxim and Stuff, which feature scantily-clad women, are considered too risque for the American mass market.

But the company’s UK subsidiary, Asda, said it would not follow suit.

Maxim and Stuff come from the Dennis publishing group, set up by maverick mullti-millionaire Felix Dennis. Maxim, the group’s flagship title, has sales of 2.5 million in the US.

Maxim’s US publisher Stephen Colvin said:”I don’t think that theses decisions are often rational. For any men’s magazine to put a woman on the cover seems a bit troubling to them.”

Stuff in the US is owned by Dennis and concentrates on gadgets and naked women. FHM is published by Emap in Britain and the US.

An Asda spokesman ruled out any chance of the ban being extended to the UK:”We understand the pressure for change in the USA came from customers and employees”.

I doubt the pressure came from customers, or even staff. Wal-Mart are famously puritanical. No Logo by Naomi Klein listed a few examples, such as the creation of censored versions of albums just for the store. And Cosmopolitan has been sending them preview copies so the chain can decide whether or not to stock a particular month’s issue.

But they will sell guns…….

Though, to give them credit, they did suspend sales in a whole state when they found out some weapons had gone straight to criminals.


Femail

Every so often you accidentally find yourself somewhere you would normally avoid, such as Femail, the Laydeez section of right wing prejudice rag the Daily Mail, and once you’re there you find yourself drawn in-

A guide to ‘street slang’ for middle class housewives.

Britain’s unlikely male sex symbols. Robbie Coltrane I can understand, and Paxman as well, but Titchmarsh?

Britney’s and Julia’s relationship doings.

And the place I’ll be spending the rest of the day- the Sex & Relationships page.


Mid Day Crisis

I think I’m losing my grip on reality (whaddaya mean losing?). It’s a beautiful sunny day outside and yet…..
The fascists and warmongers really don’t like Robert Fisk. They have a whole inane ritual they call Fisking, which they also apply to anyone else they disagree with, where they take his on the spot and brutally honest reports and- from the safety of their home front bunkers- parrot the party line after every statement they’ve been told to disagree with. It used to be my ambition to be denounced by the Daily Mail, because then I’d know I was doing something right. The Internet age has allowed me to expand my horizons and I won’t be happy until I’ve been Fisked by the troglodytes at FreeRepublic. What I’m leading up to is that they’ll be all over this piece in today’s Independent where he describes the aftermath of the marketplace bombing. Read it. It’s horrific. Thankfully the civilian casualties are far lower than they would have been under the planned Shock and Awe blitzkrieg campaign, which was probably called off when they realised how much opposition there was to the whole adventure. Kudos to everyone who went on an Anti War rally before the campaign started and shame on me for not getting to one until too late.
At the behest of my credit card/ loan provider I did a health check on my finances yesterday. They’re pretty tubercular, but I’m formulating a way out of them. I’m going to adopt Bushonomics. First I have to buy a big ugly car that belches pollutants and does about ten feet to the gallon. Then I’ll stop feeding my pets, the little bastards have been living off my hard earned income for years now and they should learn to fend for themselves (note to PETA, I don’t actually have any pets, okay, this is allegory). I might be able to make a little money by getting my friends to pay me for stuff I steal from work for them, but likely I’ll find the SUV really bites into my bank account. There is a simple answer to this though. I’m going to start a hate campaign against someone living in a big house in Rochdale. I’ll say they have kiddie porn and that I think they were the Yorkshire Ripper’s secret accomplice. Then, because the Police won’t go along with my calls for an early morning raid and statutory beating, I’ll break into the house myself, piss in his fishtank and place ‘evidence’ in his cupboards. But, just to show I mean no ill will to the rest of his family, I’ll steal the home entertainment centre and fence the DVD player to cover the cost of replacing the broken window.
I did have a faith in human nature moment earlier. Looking out of my office window I noticed that my bike had fallen over and was hanging off the railing I’d locked it to. I was just about to go outside and stand it up again when I saw one of the security guards wander over and straighten it out for me.
The long weekend starts tomorrow, I’m getting broadband tomorrow evening and the weather isn’t going to break until Saturday or Sunday. I need to take some time out to chill and think about a new direction.


Go North Young Man!

Now the Scots have got the right idea about immigration. They positively need incomers to boost the declining and ageing population. They’re targetting visa applicants and students, two good groups from a prosperity point of view, but they might also want to consider some of the economic migrants (translation to Daily Mail speak= “bogus asylum seekers”) who are supposedly flooding the country. Give them minimum wage public sector jobs to get them started and all of a sudden they’re not a drain on the public purse but productive, tax paying members of society.


Taking our jobs?

Can more people please realise that we’re part of the world, a great way to solve the problems of an ageing population is to let in the working age immigrants who want to come here and that culture is a gloriously fluid thing that changes with each generation anyway, so we don’t risk losing our ‘unique British’ one.

The fact that immigrants contribute more to the Exchequer in taxes than they take out in public spending may surprise many Tory politicians, not to mention readers of the Daily Mail and other jingoistic tabloids. But this is one of the many important conclusions of detailed research commissioned by the Home Office and published this week in the first of a series of studies into the economic and social impact of immigration.

Meanwhile, it’s good to know I’m still eligible to be called a ‘young novelist’, and will be for another seven years. Now I just need to get published.


Despite the heavy rain, Leicester refused to wash away, so I had to go there today. I’ve got to go on Thursday and Friday as well. Looks like I’ve got another week in the job. I was the only person who even thought leaving this week was a (slim) possibility. I feel so tired.

Page Eleven of Bulletproof Poets. I’m going to start on full art when I finally finish my job. I’m feeling generous, here’s some more Eliza Effect as well-

Agc01935:

Sarah was sure she should be holding up a board with her new works number etched on it. �If I�d known you�d be taking my picture I�d have worn more make up.�

�Oh don�t worry about it love. This thing makes everyone look anaemic.� The guard adjusted the focus of the video camera then checked the framing of the image on the screen in front of him. �Okay. Hold still. And now.�

The strange little machine beside the PC started whirring and, after a minute, clunked out a pass. Sarah checked out her picture, it looked like she had been living in a box for three months. The card came with a magnetic strip for the doors and a chip for the vending machines. He retrieved the card and punched a hole in it, �There you go. He should be along for you in a minute. You can wait in reception.�

�Thanks.�

There were company magazines on the tables. She tried to read one, but found her eyes slipping off articles after the first paragraph. Under the magazine were newspapers- the Daily Mail and Express, both even harder to read than the promo magazine. She stared, soft focus, at the front of the reception desk.

There was movement by the turnstiles and Sarah looked up. Two guys hurried past, the taller one merited a second glance. Not bad, could have done with a hair cut. She flicked through the Express and found a Dilbert she�d read on the Internet weeks earlier.

Her new manager turned up fifteen minutes later. He was wearing a suit which didn�t look as expensive as he thought. As he strode toward her, he smoothed his unruly tie back into place. �Hello, I�m George Webb. You must be Sarah. If you�ll come with me, we can get the induction started.�