• Category Archives Newspapers
  • Nine More Songs

    I’m getting a lot of hits s a result of searches for Nine Songs, mentioned on Monday. Who would have thought that sex sells?

    So, as a public service, here are a couple more links- The Mirror X-PLICIT: RUDEST FILM EVER TO HIT CINEMAS

    The Telegraph- ‘People who say this sex film is offensive are liars’

    Late Addition The Daily Mail- Director defends sex shocker

    Most of these articles say the same thing, I’d guess they’ve been cobbled together from a press release and the earlier Guardian piece. The only major difference is in the handling of the female lead’s name and her willingness to be identified.

  • 100 Things (Part 4: It all gets a little silly)

    61.Appear on Have I Got News For You?
    This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.

    62.Swim with Dolphins
    It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do

    63.Visit Japan

    64.Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence
    The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.

    65.Learn Morse code

    66.Attend Burning Man
    There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.

    67.Dance naked in the rain

    68.Drive a race/ rally car

    Last night I handed out a notebook when we were in the pub and collected a few ideas. I’m going to reproduce them all, though some will have an X by them because they didn’t make it onto the list. Credit, and/ or blame is apportioned for each of the following, which is only fair.

    69.Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.
    Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.

    X. Date a man for two weeks
    Penny. I asked Harry if he’d go out with me, but he said no, so this isn’t going to happen

    X. Prove I’m a better lover than Sid
    I never claimed to be better than anyone, just very good. And it’s such a subjective thing anyway.

    70.Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)
    Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?

    X. Hold a protest on the Mancunian Way for the purple lampposts
    Penny. I’m not entirely sure what this means

    71.Play UV pool

    72.Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.
    Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’

    X. Play the lead in a musical porn movie
    Penny. Oh, oh, oh, fell-ay-shee-oh! Channel four did Pornography: the musical last year. This is off the list if only to protect people from my singing.

    73.Flash at a concert audience
    Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.

    74.Be a model at an Ann Summers party

    X. Be a turkey inseminator
    Penny. Maybe when I move to the country.

    75.Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal
    Penny. So long as I don’t have to do it in the actual canal.

    76.Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations
    Penny and Lesley.

    77.Design a sex toy
    Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.

    78.Be an extra on a TV programme.
    Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.

    79.Buy lingerie for a woman
    Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’

    80.Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album
    Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version

    X. Purchase a vibrating vagina from Ann Summers
    Zoe. Sorry, no.

    X. Chat up a barmaid and get a snog and a slap from another

    X. Learn the difference between the Macarena, the Saturday Night dance and the chacha slide

    81.Learn to salsa
    Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.

    X. Get a PC to use handcuffs on me in a ‘friendly way’.

    82.Have sex in an ambulance or hearse
    Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.

    X. Have sex while skydiving
    Penny. I don’t think that’s even possible, except for eagles.

    X. Get a pet ferret and keep it in my trousers and take it for a walk
    Penny and Lesley. The RSPCA would be all over me.

    X. Full body wax (BSC)
    Penny. I’ve already said an emphatic no to this several times.

    X. Organise a naked Lazer Quest tournament
    Daz. Body paint is allowed.

    X. Get a job at an all girls school or college
    Zoe. I like this idea, it could open doors to so many of the other tasks. It’s only not getting listed because it’s probably impossible.

    X. Do a ‘Bruce’
    Penny. There’s a line in Clerks about Randall’s cousin breaking his neck trying to perform this act. All I’m going to say is I used to be supple enough (just) and I could be again with a little yoga.

    83.Grow a bonsai tree
    Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.

    84.Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester
    Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.

    X. Drink a bottle of vodka without throwing up.
    Daz. No.

    85.Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.

    86.Get zipped up in a US style body bag.
    Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.

    87.Create art using my body.
    Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’

    88.Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery
    Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.

    89.See a psychiatrist
    Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.

    90.See a psychosexual counsellor
    Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.

    91.Bowl on the Bowling Green again.
    Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?

    X. Appear on Zero to Hero
    Daz. I don’t know. Daz, despite being in denial, is a bigger geek than I, perhaps I should put his name forward.

    There’s still room for another nine suggestions. Sensible ones preferred, but don’t let that stop you.

  • 100 Things (part 1)

    Whilst wandering around the blogosphere the other day I found someone who had drawn up a list of a hundred things to do before he died. He hadn’t linked to the list and I forgot where it was anyway, but it has inspired me to make a list of my own.

    This is 100 things to do and should be a perpetually updated list. Every time I achieve a goal I have to cross it off and add another one to the list. This is part one of the list, in no particular order, feel free to make suggestions.

    1. Play croquet
    I don’t even know the rules to croquet.
    2. Play strip croquet
    Ah, the effect that Heathers can have on you.
    3. Cycle the Coast to Coast
    4. Keep a tidy house
    Without calling in any sort of housekeeping services.
    5. Live for (at least) three months in another country
    6. Shoot Tony Blair
    Already done that.
    6. Try to get elected
    What to, I don’t know.
    7. Take part in a threesome
    Yes, I know I’m not even participating in any twosomes at the moment, but this is a long term list. (And if I do achieve this one, I probably won’t announce it.)
    8. Take part in a foursome
    9. Take part in an orgy
    Is an orgy 5 or more? Or is there an official lower limit to an orgy? Are there different imperial and metric orgies?
    10. Make it into the Popdex top 100
    Which will be good all round. If I can manage to make it onto the list regularly, even better.
    11. Mention sheep and still get laid
    12. Make a living from writing
    13. Make a film
    It doesn’t have to be a feature length movie, but that would be the next step.
    14. Get out of debt
    I’ll discount any mortgage from this requirement, and just allow for clearing overdrafts and loans.
    15. Become a millionnaire
    Foreign currency counts.
    16. Climb the highest peaks in each country of the United Kingdom
    17. Learn to juggle
    18. Build a model village
    19. Upset the Daily Mail so much that they run a story about me being a threat to the nation’s morals
    20. Visit the beaches of D-Day, and the little town of Quenast my grandparents’ house was named after
    21. Visit Pearl Harbour
    22. Read Moby Dick
    Gratuitous Zelig reference.
    23. Get interviewed by Richard and Judy
    Or a passable equivalent.
    24. Own a Land Rover
    And actually use it for off roading.
    25. Have a bike for every day of the week
    Mountain bike, Jump bike/BMX, road bike, recumbent, folding, commuter, unicycle.

    More to follow.

  • Bad Boys

    Penny sent me the text of an article in the Daily Mail:

    “The world’s biggest retailer Wal-Mart has pulled three racy British-bred magazines from it’s shelves in a backlash against nudity and obscenity.

    FHM, Maxim and Stuff, which feature scantily-clad women, are considered too risque for the American mass market.

    But the company’s UK subsidiary, Asda, said it would not follow suit.

    Maxim and Stuff come from the Dennis publishing group, set up by maverick mullti-millionaire Felix Dennis. Maxim, the group’s flagship title, has sales of 2.5 million in the US.

    Maxim’s US publisher Stephen Colvin said:”I don’t think that theses decisions are often rational. For any men’s magazine to put a woman on the cover seems a bit troubling to them.”

    Stuff in the US is owned by Dennis and concentrates on gadgets and naked women. FHM is published by Emap in Britain and the US.

    An Asda spokesman ruled out any chance of the ban being extended to the UK:”We understand the pressure for change in the USA came from customers and employees”.

    I doubt the pressure came from customers, or even staff. Wal-Mart are famously puritanical. No Logo by Naomi Klein listed a few examples, such as the creation of censored versions of albums just for the store. And Cosmopolitan has been sending them preview copies so the chain can decide whether or not to stock a particular month’s issue.

    But they will sell guns…….

    Though, to give them credit, they did suspend sales in a whole state when they found out some weapons had gone straight to criminals.

  • Femail

    Every so often you accidentally find yourself somewhere you would normally avoid, such as Femail, the Laydeez section of right wing prejudice rag the Daily Mail, and once you’re there you find yourself drawn in-

    A guide to ‘street slang’ for middle class housewives.

    Britain’s unlikely male sex symbols. Robbie Coltrane I can understand, and Paxman as well, but Titchmarsh?

    Britney’s and Julia’s relationship doings.

    And the place I’ll be spending the rest of the day- the Sex & Relationships page.

  • Mid Day Crisis

    I think I’m losing my grip on reality (whaddaya mean losing?). It’s a beautiful sunny day outside and yet…..
    The fascists and warmongers really don’t like Robert Fisk. They have a whole inane ritual they call Fisking, which they also apply to anyone else they disagree with, where they take his on the spot and brutally honest reports and- from the safety of their home front bunkers- parrot the party line after every statement they’ve been told to disagree with. It used to be my ambition to be denounced by the Daily Mail, because then I’d know I was doing something right. The Internet age has allowed me to expand my horizons and I won’t be happy until I’ve been Fisked by the troglodytes at FreeRepublic. What I’m leading up to is that they’ll be all over this piece in today’s Independent where he describes the aftermath of the marketplace bombing. Read it. It’s horrific. Thankfully the civilian casualties are far lower than they would have been under the planned Shock and Awe blitzkrieg campaign, which was probably called off when they realised how much opposition there was to the whole adventure. Kudos to everyone who went on an Anti War rally before the campaign started and shame on me for not getting to one until too late.
    At the behest of my credit card/ loan provider I did a health check on my finances yesterday. They’re pretty tubercular, but I’m formulating a way out of them. I’m going to adopt Bushonomics. First I have to buy a big ugly car that belches pollutants and does about ten feet to the gallon. Then I’ll stop feeding my pets, the little bastards have been living off my hard earned income for years now and they should learn to fend for themselves (note to PETA, I don’t actually have any pets, okay, this is allegory). I might be able to make a little money by getting my friends to pay me for stuff I steal from work for them, but likely I’ll find the SUV really bites into my bank account. There is a simple answer to this though. I’m going to start a hate campaign against someone living in a big house in Rochdale. I’ll say they have kiddie porn and that I think they were the Yorkshire Ripper’s secret accomplice. Then, because the Police won’t go along with my calls for an early morning raid and statutory beating, I’ll break into the house myself, piss in his fishtank and place ‘evidence’ in his cupboards. But, just to show I mean no ill will to the rest of his family, I’ll steal the home entertainment centre and fence the DVD player to cover the cost of replacing the broken window.
    I did have a faith in human nature moment earlier. Looking out of my office window I noticed that my bike had fallen over and was hanging off the railing I’d locked it to. I was just about to go outside and stand it up again when I saw one of the security guards wander over and straighten it out for me.
    The long weekend starts tomorrow, I’m getting broadband tomorrow evening and the weather isn’t going to break until Saturday or Sunday. I need to take some time out to chill and think about a new direction.

  • Go North Young Man!

    Now the Scots have got the right idea about immigration. They positively need incomers to boost the declining and ageing population. They’re targetting visa applicants and students, two good groups from a prosperity point of view, but they might also want to consider some of the economic migrants (translation to Daily Mail speak= “bogus asylum seekers”) who are supposedly flooding the country. Give them minimum wage public sector jobs to get them started and all of a sudden they’re not a drain on the public purse but productive, tax paying members of society.

  • Taking our jobs?

    Can more people please realise that we’re part of the world, a great way to solve the problems of an ageing population is to let in the working age immigrants who want to come here and that culture is a gloriously fluid thing that changes with each generation anyway, so we don’t risk losing our ‘unique British’ one.

    The fact that immigrants contribute more to the Exchequer in taxes than they take out in public spending may surprise many Tory politicians, not to mention readers of the Daily Mail and other jingoistic tabloids. But this is one of the many important conclusions of detailed research commissioned by the Home Office and published this week in the first of a series of studies into the economic and social impact of immigration.

    Meanwhile, it’s good to know I’m still eligible to be called a ‘young novelist’, and will be for another seven years. Now I just need to get published.

  • No Title

    Despite the heavy rain, Leicester refused to wash away, so I had to go there today. I’ve got to go on Thursday and Friday as well. Looks like I’ve got another week in the job. I was the only person who even thought leaving this week was a (slim) possibility. I feel so tired.

    Page Eleven of Bulletproof Poets. I’m going to start on full art when I finally finish my job. I’m feeling generous, here’s some more Eliza Effect as well-


    Sarah was sure she should be holding up a board with her new works number etched on it. �If I�d known you�d be taking my picture I�d have worn more make up.�

    �Oh don�t worry about it love. This thing makes everyone look anaemic.� The guard adjusted the focus of the video camera then checked the framing of the image on the screen in front of him. �Okay. Hold still. And now.�

    The strange little machine beside the PC started whirring and, after a minute, clunked out a pass. Sarah checked out her picture, it looked like she had been living in a box for three months. The card came with a magnetic strip for the doors and a chip for the vending machines. He retrieved the card and punched a hole in it, �There you go. He should be along for you in a minute. You can wait in reception.�


    There were company magazines on the tables. She tried to read one, but found her eyes slipping off articles after the first paragraph. Under the magazine were newspapers- the Daily Mail and Express, both even harder to read than the promo magazine. She stared, soft focus, at the front of the reception desk.

    There was movement by the turnstiles and Sarah looked up. Two guys hurried past, the taller one merited a second glance. Not bad, could have done with a hair cut. She flicked through the Express and found a Dilbert she�d read on the Internet weeks earlier.

    Her new manager turned up fifteen minutes later. He was wearing a suit which didn�t look as expensive as he thought. As he strode toward her, he smoothed his unruly tie back into place. �Hello, I�m George Webb. You must be Sarah. If you�ll come with me, we can get the induction started.�