Oral sex

A Christmassy product- ladies, remind your boyfriend or girlfriend to kiss you under the mistletoe

I know your significant other shouldn’t need any encouragement, but this Christmas give them a hint. A girl always likes to be kissed under the mistletoe.

The Mistletoe Thong is available from CafePress. Order it now and get unwrapped on Christmas Day.

Going down

As an aside to a conversation on Messenger, I went off and typed “cunnilingus” into Amazon’s site search. They have three books and one dvd listed that are specifically about it-

The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure

From one of the reader reviews-

My girlfriend was blown away just hours after I read this book. A lot of the techniques contained in this book will make your performance well above the average man.

My only complaint is that the material in this book is available to other men as well!

The Master’s Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Perform Successful Oral Sex and Provide the Highest Degree of Pleasure Possible

A bit of a cumbersome title, but it gets 5 stars from its reader reviews.

Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus

More from the lesbian perspective, but possibly of use to us men.

Nina Hartley RN Guide to Cunnilingus

A Region 1 dvd that isn’t available at the moment.

Maybe I should add them to my wish list.

I am Cosmo Man

I’m all over the media at the moment. Last night I was on TV for a whole ten seconds, beating up a morris dancer on It’s Adam & Shelly. Today I picked up a copy of Cosmopolitan to read the article I was interviewed for by the morris dancer.

He took my fellow skinheads and I to a rather swish restaurant (Carlos Tevez was two tables over from us) and interviewed us about what makes women sexy. If you’ve got a copy, try to guess which Cosmo Man is me. First person to get it right in the comments, and to say what gave it away, wins a prize (probably chocolate).

I wandered around the Cosmo site to see if I could find the article on it. No luck so far. However, if you read the back of the Must Not Mention Sheep T-shirt you’ll find one of the MNMs is “That article in Cosmo about blowjobs”. I must have meant this one- Get blow-job Brownie points.

Is that physically possible?

The most disturbing slash fiction on the Internet.

#9: The Mario Brothers and Starfox slash. I wonder if Mario has some, um, “special moves” he can unleash. We know he’s an expert at jumping.

#8: Care Bears slash. Do they even have genitals? What the fuck?

#7: Narnia slash. As Rollick said, it puts a new spin on the Christian metaphors seeded heavily throughout the series. Now it’s “Christ died for your sins, you’d think he could at least get a blowjob out of it, you whining little ingrate. Open up.”

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Spit, Swallow or……

Oral sex can lead to cancer of the mouth, say scientists

Mouth cancer can be caused by a virus contracted during oral sex, a new Swedish study has shown. People who catch a high-risk variety of the human papilloma virus, HPV, at that time are more susceptible to falling ill with mouth cancer, according to new research.

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Explain this to the taxman

Ray Digerati- will fix computers for sex.

Do you have a set, um, pay scale?
No, I leave it up to their discretion. One girl didn’t want to have intercourse, so she offered me a massage and then finished me off with a hand job. It’s basically all about the time I spend: If I’m working for one or two hours, I’d like a blow job. An orgasm for every two hours of service is pretty fair. If it’s something simple that I can fix in 15 minutes, I’d like to get a foot massage.

via BoingBoing

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Spinneyhead recommends

A number of Spinneyhead’s discerning and fun-loving readers have purchased She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman in the last few months and I think you should too.

If you have already purchased this book you could try one of these-

Recommending books on Amazon is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman……..

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I'm a celebrity, pass the salt

Before Christmas I enjoyed (no, really, I did) a night collecting at a Here and Now concert. You can now enjoy the whole Cheesey 80’s nostalgia thing in your own dining room thanks to Supper with the Stars.

….an exciting new service to make your party sparkle with an elusive touch of Hollywood glamour. Imagine having your favourite friends round for dinner. What would really make you party go with a bang? All your guests have arrived, now imagine their surprise when a top TV personality walks in and joins the party!

The stars have little icons to show what they will and won’t do. A mouth doesn’t mean they are willing to perform oral sex (though Limahl looks like he might be up for it, if you ask nicely) but that they are great talkers. An acorn , meanwhile, denotes a potentially fatal nut allergy. A well aimed walnut or almond could take out some of ABC, one or more Hamiltons (Result!) and Nik Kershaw.

This could be a money spinner. I think it’s time to announce Spinneyhead Suppers. For �50 I’ll come round your house and entertain you with anecdotes whilst trying not to mention sheep in humorous ways. For �100 I’ll even help cook.

There’ll be no oral sex though, you’ll have to settle for Limahl if you want that.

via BoingBoing

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I would go out tonight…..

That Paxman interview of Michael Howard. (I was reading someone complaining about the harshness of the questioning in the Presidential debate. Really, few US politicians could stand five minutes of Paxo without becoming a blubbering mess.) Via an old article about Newsnight- The Opera.

Wales disappears! Think of the sheep!

Dirk Benedict’s nose! And the rest of him, and the A Team, and various other computer painted film and TV characters. Penny assures me they look far better as prints.

Puppet blowjob gets US censors’ knickers in a twist. But it’s okay to immolate a liberal. In fact that would probably pass as a PG13.

Merkin History

To resolve an argument, I set off to trace the roots of the pubic wig. Everything you ever wanted to know about Merkins, but had more sense than to ask-

The Oxford Companion To The Body traces the merkin back to 1450, a time when the bidet was a distant prospect and personal hygiene fell well short of the mark. Pubic lice were common – so some women, fed up with the constant itching, just shaved the lot off and then covered their modesty with a merkin.

The Guardian (second piece down, has even more merky facts).

One of Peter Sellers’ roles in Stanley Kubrick’s 1964 film _Dr. Strangelove_ was U.S. President Merkin Muffley. This gets two risque’ locutions past the censor at once, since “muff” is another slang term for female genitals or pubic hair (as in “muff-diving” for cunnilingus).

alt.english.usage FAQ

As Merkinstock values its customer service orientation, the company provides a comprehensive training program designed to familiarize you with basic business management, merkin history and the Merkinstock product line. […] Successful completion of the program is based upon the customization of your own merkin and your ability to properly attach, adjust and clean the merkin in the presence of a trained Merkinstock employee.

World franchising

Going Down Slow

Okay, so I, like just about everyone else, clicked through to this article because it mentioned teaching oral sex in schools. The scheme mentioned doesn’t, actually, explicitly promote blowjobs or pearl diving (is there a better name for cunnilingus? I’ll have to consult the encyclopedia of sex) and it successfully cuts teen sex and pregnancy rates. But the Moral Moronity won’t care about that, they’ll be too busy dwelling on the possibility of rude words being used.

No, that's not the gear shift

A woman charged with causing a fatal car crash is claiming she wasn’t the driver, as charged. The man who died in the accident, the car’s owner, was at the wheel at the time. She, meanwhile, was giving him a blow job.

So, er, she did cause the accident then.

“His pants could have been down because he was mooning a car he was drag racing. His pants could have been down because he was urinating out of a window. His pants could have been down because he wasn’t feeling well.”

Even the prosecution can't keep their arguments straight.

Avoiding all this war stuff for a moment –

Texas, being quite a strange place, has laws against deviate (sic) sex which apparently includes anal and oral sex (but not bestiality), There a case in the Supreme Court at the moment where a gay couple are appealing against their conviction for having sex in their own bedroom. There’s an article about the court case and it seems be confusing everyone involved. Personally I can’t see the legal argument against anyone doing anything consensual in private, as long as they don’t feel the need to tell me aboutit (or scare the horses). But you would expect the prosecuting lawyer not to provide arguments for the defence.

Rosenthal says there’s a good place to draw the line of privacy and fundamental rights, and that line is “at the bedroom door.” “But the line is at the bedroom door in this case!” yelps Breyer.

Just to be clear, Rosenthal is the prosecuting attorney.

No Red Day

I bought my hairy Red Nose this morning, so I’ve done something for Comic Relief, and it’s great that they raise so much, but, I can’t help thinking that there’s something wrong. Every couple of years we do something like this to make ourselves feel better about our lifestyles, and then our consciences go into hibernation until the next one. So much could be achieved if more of us were directly involved, but actually having to face the people with problems is so much more unpleasant than laughing along with Graeme Norton. But so much worse than our apathy is the callousness of our governments. The amount raised tonight has already cleared the �30million mark, but whatever the grand total, I bet it’s less than one day’s food budget for operation Let’s- give- Iraq- to- Halliburton. A fraction of the West’s military expenditure could solve the problems at home and abroad that lead to terrorism in the first place (and I’m not being idealistic, acknowledging these things is far more pragmatic and realistic than the sort of people who’ll only condemn the atrocities of one side in the Israel- Palestine conflict or think that a blow job in the Oval Office is a bigger crime than millions in kick backs from the oil and arms industries swaying policy.)
Rant over.