Hip to Croquet
Number one on my 100 Things list is ‘play croquet’. The question now is, should it be association croquet or the newer, cooler golf croquet?
Number one on my 100 Things list is ‘play croquet’. The question now is, should it be association croquet or the newer, cooler golf croquet?
The provisional new addition to the 100 Things list is- Find the source of the Mersey. It was going to be find the source of the Thames, but this version can be done from home.
I don’t have to go to Nevada for the Burning Man. I just have to go home and hop across the Solway to the Wicker Man festival. The 100 Things plan to go to Burning Man did include the option of a Scottish version, provisionally titled Soggy Man, so who knows.
The quest to complete the 100 Things continues. I’ve done a little research towards number 7- Take part in a threesome.
So I present to you- a beginners guide to wife swapping.
Old Cycling on the Pavement columns continue to go into the Archive. Annual subscribers now get extra free content, which will keep changing over time. Right now it’s two of the desktop wallpapers.
I’m a little bit red on the arms and legs. It’s not all sunburn, some of it is from the nettles along the banks of the Irwell. So when I got home I was in the mood to torture some of the little buggers.
Ingredients:
Nettles
Half a large onion
1 pint chicken stock
1 and a half teaspoons of ready garlic
Celery
Boiled rice (left over from yesterday’s Chinese)
Fresh Basil and Chives
Milk
Parsley (for garnish)
Chop onions. Soften in a pan with olive oil and butter. Add garlic and celery. Wash and blanch the nettle leaves, picking the stems and anything else off as you transfer the leaves to the pan (they pick up all sorts of stuff, and not all of it is removed by washing.) Add basil, chives, stock and rice, bring to the boil and simmer for fifteen minutes.
Pour the soup into a liquidiser and give it a blast. (Don’t, as I did, lift the lid just as you turn on the motor and spurt boiling soup onto the back of your hand.) Pour into a dish, swirl a little milk in and garnish with parsley.
It was a gorgeous shade of green, and it tasted very nice. But there wasn’t a distinctively nettle-y flavour, I don’t think I picked enough nettles- next time.
This has been part 1 of the Spinneyhead cookbook, one of the 100 Things. Also toward that end- Venus sells raw green coffee. Now I just have to work out how to roast it.
Well, if ‘get insulted by an oasis cover band had been there in my 100 things list, I’d have completed another challenge. But it isn’t, so I’ll have to take the whole being called Tarquin thing and stew, safe in the knowledge that I have some good blackmail pictures of Damian.
Notes on 100 Things: 1
Now that I’ve set myself these tasks, I guess I should start working on completing them. A quick scan through a printout (lacking number 36- Jon suggested I add �Get a new printer.� to the list) suggests a few ideas. More
I’ve decided to strike an aim from my 100 Things list- Specifically 94. Visit every Disneyland in the world. It’s not entirely because of their behaviour over Fahrenheit 9/11, but that tipped me over the edge.
I’ve added another aim to the end of the list- 102. Eat in, or from, every restaurant and kebabery in Rusholme. As suggested by Damian.
The completed 100 Things list is up. I shall report back and update it as and when they are achieved.
The notes on the perfect sex toy will follow when I stop being so lazy.
92. Attend a televised awards ceremony
93. Learn a programming language
Properly, not in the half arsed way I learnt to gaffer tape routines together in VBA. Griff says that C# is quite a lucrative area to be in.
94. Visit every Disneyland
This was actually Griff’s aim, but I stole it.
95. Get a free crate of Glenfiddich
Sometimes breweries will gift crates of their products to writers who mention them. I’m also open to offers of Jennings Sneck Lifter.
96. Go scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef
97. Get as close to an active volcano as possible
98. Attend a gala movie premiere
Hell, if Rebecca Loos can do it, so can I. But I’m not shagging any footballers except these two.
99. Publish a cook book
My sister’s been promising to write one for a while now. I must get her to finish it.
100. Get ‘Ian Seat’ into the OED
Being the position in acrowded room, bar, etc, which has the least advantageous view for eyeing up members of the opposite sex.
It seems that aim 10 (Make it into the Popdex top 100) isn’t all that hard if you’re willing to use a few tricks.
I managed to achieve goal 60 (Burn all my CD singles to MP3) this morning. I now have 4958 songs- 13 days, 16 hours, 21 minutes and 54 seconds of music- on the computer. So now I have to think of another goal, though the logical next step is-
101. Burn all my CDs to MP3
61.Appear on Have I Got News For You?
This will probably be just before or just after offending the Daily Mail.
62.Swim with Dolphins
It was going to be swim with monkeys, but I reckon any mammal will do
63.Visit Japan
Kawaii
64.Get a HGV or Motorcyle licence
The motorcycle licence would be cooler, but I value my limbs the shape they are.
65.Learn Morse code
66.Attend Burning Man
There were also plans to create a BM equivalent in the Scottish Highlands, to be called Soggy Man.
67.Dance naked in the rain
68.Drive a race/ rally car
Last night I handed out a notebook when we were in the pub and collected a few ideas. I’m going to reproduce them all, though some will have an X by them because they didn’t make it onto the list. Credit, and/ or blame is apportioned for each of the following, which is only fair.
69.Fulfil Sabs’ dream of seeing me walk out of Lyme Park lake wearing breeches.
Penny. Well, it was Sabs’ idea originally, but Penny added it to the list.
X. Date a man for two weeks
Penny. I asked Harry if he’d go out with me, but he said no, so this isn’t going to happen
X. Prove I’m a better lover than Sid
I never claimed to be better than anyone, just very good. And it’s such a subjective thing anyway.
70.Get a woman to pose in the nude (for my comic.)
Zoe. I asked Zoe if she’d pose naked for me, but she said no. Shame. I’ve also widened the scope to posing for anything, just to improve my chances. Any volunteers?
X. Hold a protest on the Mancunian Way for the purple lampposts
Penny. I’m not entirely sure what this means
71.Play UV pool
Daz.
72.Do roman chariot racing with big fat men in place of horses.
Zoe. This is a far nicer version of Lesley’s suggestion of ‘Become a pony boy.’
X. Play the lead in a musical porn movie
Penny. Oh, oh, oh, fell-ay-shee-oh! Channel four did Pornography: the musical last year. This is off the list if only to protect people from my singing.
73.Flash at a concert audience
Penny. Originally ‘Flash at a Status Quo audience’ but I’ve expanded it.
74.Be a model at an Ann Summers party
Penny.
X. Be a turkey inseminator
Penny. Maybe when I move to the country.
75.Swim the full length of the Bridgewater Canal
Penny. So long as I don’t have to do it in the actual canal.
76.Learn the national anthems of the Six Nations
Penny and Lesley.
77.Design a sex toy
Zoe and Penny. Full description- ‘Design a sex toy and advertise for testers and reach quality standards for ISO and BSS’. By setting such stringent conditions they just volunteered to be the first testers. There then followed a brainstorming session on what would make a perfect sex toy, the notes from which will form the basis of a future post.
78.Be an extra on a TV programme.
Emily. She originally stipulated Hollyoaks, but it was decided I wasn’t blonde enough.
79.Buy lingerie for a woman
Penny. In person, from a shop. Original conditions- ‘Buy a woman a thermal vest in person from Pleasure and a matching set from Kendals including peep hole bra and crotchless knickers whilst dressed in a flowery dress.’
80.Buy the Pete Waterman (SAW) compilation album
Penny. She insists it’s not because she’s too ashamed to buy it herself. It could have been worse, she could have suggested the karaoke version
X. Purchase a vibrating vagina from Ann Summers
Zoe. Sorry, no.
X. Chat up a barmaid and get a snog and a slap from another
Penny.
X. Learn the difference between the Macarena, the Saturday Night dance and the chacha slide
Penny
81.Learn to salsa
Penny and Lesley. I’d also like to learn to make the perfect salsa dip.
X. Get a PC to use handcuffs on me in a ‘friendly way’.
Penny
82.Have sex in an ambulance or hearse
Penny and Harry. Originally an ambulance or ‘vehicle of the dead’ while on the move.
X. Have sex while skydiving
Penny. I don’t think that’s even possible, except for eagles.
X. Get a pet ferret and keep it in my trousers and take it for a walk
Penny and Lesley. The RSPCA would be all over me.
X. Full body wax (BSC)
Penny. I’ve already said an emphatic no to this several times.
X. Organise a naked Lazer Quest tournament
Daz. Body paint is allowed.
X. Get a job at an all girls school or college
Zoe. I like this idea, it could open doors to so many of the other tasks. It’s only not getting listed because it’s probably impossible.
X. Do a ‘Bruce’
Penny. There’s a line in Clerks about Randall’s cousin breaking his neck trying to perform this act. All I’m going to say is I used to be supple enough (just) and I could be again with a little yoga.
83.Grow a bonsai tree
Penny. A bit of wishful thinking considering I killed my last two bonsai. My sister did buy me The Art of the Bonsai Potato for Christmas.
84.Have a drink in every CAMRA pub in Manchester
Harry. Originally it also said ‘within one week’ but I edited that out.
X. Drink a bottle of vodka without throwing up.
Daz. No.
85.Get an 8 pint certificate from The Crown in Stockport.
Me.
86.Get zipped up in a US style body bag.
Harry. Only if I can take a big knife in to cut my way out.
87.Create art using my body.
Penny. Originally ‘Create modern art using your body and any other body using bandages, plaster of paris and vaseline and get it displayed in a gallery.’
88.Get a piece of art displayed in a gallery
Me, but inspired by 87. I’m allowed to do a Banksy.
89.See a psychiatrist
Penny. After some of these suggestions I’ll have to.
90.See a psychosexual counsellor
Penny. See above. And I think this should also apply to some of the people supplying suggestions.
91.Bowl on the Bowling Green again.
Emily. That is, the bowling green that used to be in front of UMIST union. They’ve done horrible things to it. Does boules count?
X. Appear on Zero to Hero
Daz. I don’t know. Daz, despite being in denial, is a bigger geek than I, perhaps I should put his name forward.
There’s still room for another nine suggestions. Sensible ones preferred, but don’t let that stop you.
51. Make love outdoors
The roundabout incident doesn’t count as it was unplanned, drunken horniness. However, I could go for getting 46 at the same time.
52. Join the Mile High Club
53. Join the Mile Low Club
In a cave or down a mine.
54. Join the Two Metres High club
On a train. Sleeper carriages count.
55. Exceed 40mph on a bike
Downhill counts.
56. Build a house
57. Learn to play a musical instrument
58. Get a signed letter from a serving head of state
Probably not going to be Tony, though.
59. Break a record
Even if it is for the silliest ‘Hundred things to do’ list.
60. Burn all my CD singles to MP3
Just to give myself an easy goal and because that’s what I’m doing right now.
Only ten this time, I can see the last forty taking a while and getting sillier.
26. Give a grand to charity
Not raise a grand, but give one. Raising a grand should be possible, especially if I do 27.
27. Do over a hundred miles on the Bogle Roll
My plan for next year’s Roll. I’ll need to get another of my 7 bikes to do it.
28. Learn to snowboard
29. Get a dog
But not whilst I’m living in the city.
30. Own a thousand CDs
I’m going to cheat and allow CD singles in this.
31. Attend the Glastonbury festival
32. Roast my own coffee
33. Send a dirty text message
34. Propose to someone
35. Fly in a hot air balloon
36. Go to a shooting range
37. Spend a whole day watching all three of the Lord of the Rings films back to back
Extended cuts.
38. Buy a house
39. Own a piece of Microsoft
40. Moblog
41. Canoe on the Thames
42. Figure out the question
43. Brew beer
44. Learn a new language
Spoken, not computer. And not Klingon.
45. Start a craze
46. Make love in a hammock
This one inspired by The Sure Thing
47. Visit every continent
48. Fly a helicopter
49. Build a tree house
50. Hold a party for a hundred people
I’m going to be walking around with my notebook writing down every silly idea that comes into my head for the next few days to complete the hundred. As before, any suggestions are welcome.
Whilst wandering around the blogosphere the other day I found someone who had drawn up a list of a hundred things to do before he died. He hadn’t linked to the list and I forgot where it was anyway, but it has inspired me to make a list of my own.
This is 100 things to do and should be a perpetually updated list. Every time I achieve a goal I have to cross it off and add another one to the list. This is part one of the list, in no particular order, feel free to make suggestions.
1. Play croquet
I don’t even know the rules to croquet.
2. Play strip croquet
Ah, the effect that Heathers can have on you.
3. Cycle the Coast to Coast
4. Keep a tidy house
Without calling in any sort of housekeeping services.
5. Live for (at least) three months in another country6. Shoot Tony Blair
Already done that.
6. Try to get elected
What to, I don’t know.
7. Take part in a threesome
Yes, I know I’m not even participating in any twosomes at the moment, but this is a long term list. (And if I do achieve this one, I probably won’t announce it.)
8. Take part in a foursome
9. Take part in an orgy
Is an orgy 5 or more? Or is there an official lower limit to an orgy? Are there different imperial and metric orgies?
10. Make it into the Popdex top 100
Which will be good all round. If I can manage to make it onto the list regularly, even better.
11. Mention sheep and still get laid
12. Make a living from writing
13. Make a film
It doesn’t have to be a feature length movie, but that would be the next step.
14. Get out of debt
I’ll discount any mortgage from this requirement, and just allow for clearing overdrafts and loans.
15. Become a millionnaire
Foreign currency counts.
16. Climb the highest peaks in each country of the United Kingdom
17. Learn to juggle
18. Build a model village
19. Upset the Daily Mail so much that they run a story about me being a threat to the nation’s morals
20. Visit the beaches of D-Day, and the little town of Quenast my grandparents’ house was named after
21. Visit Pearl Harbour
22. Read Moby Dick
Gratuitous Zelig reference.
23. Get interviewed by Richard and Judy
Or a passable equivalent.
24. Own a Land Rover
And actually use it for off roading.
25. Have a bike for every day of the week
Mountain bike, Jump bike/BMX, road bike, recumbent, folding, commuter, unicycle.
More to follow.