• Category Archives work
  • Some of my best friends are……

    I hate filling out job applications, they make me feel useles. I’ve been very good at every job I’ve had (apart from telesales, which I consider a blessing) but I can never work out how I’m supposed to explain my innate brilliance.

    It doesn’t help that some of the questions are dumb. On the form I’m filling out right now (yes, this post is avoidance) there’s half a page where I have to give an answer that demonstrates my “Respect for Diversity”. I can’t help but think that they want some sort of PC bullshit and the answer that I want to give- so long as someone is good natured and competent and shows me the same level of respect as I show them I don’t care about gender, race etc.- won’t be good enough.


  • My employer is not my friend

    Employers are turning to MySpace and other social sites to vet potential employees. And too many of them are being dumb about it.

    One of Poolia’s city-based clients who wishes to remain anonymous says he regularly checks up on his potential candidates in this way: “Sometimes its easier to find out what’s going on behind the CV before you waste time in an interview, you have a clearer idea what to expect and can whittle down the process quite sufficiently. In the past I have simply Googled prospective candidates, whereas now I will type their name into My Space as well. I have found some interesting things on that site. One candidate declared in his personal profile that he was against religion and anyone who believed in it. Working for such a diverse company I dropped that application like a hot potato. Funnily enough he wasn’t so quick to admit to that on his CV.”

    Would they have done the same with a Christian who said the same about atheists? Did the candidate say that they would rant about this in the workplace?

    Most personal preferences and social experiences are unrelated to how well you can do a job, so employers should keep their noses out of our profiles.


  • No Poles, No Lapdancing

    Job Title GO GO DANCERS

    SKG/1893

    Location SKEGNESS, LINCOLNSHIRE

    Hours FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS FROM 10PM

    Wage TO BE AGREED AT INTERVIEW

    Work Pattern Evenings , Weekends

    Employer Harvey’s Bar & Restaurant

    Employer Ref Go Go Dancers

    Closing Date 01/06/2007

    Pension No details held

    Duration PERMANENT ONLY

    Description

    A professional busy bar would like ladies & gentlemen to perform go-go dancing on stage. We require 10 dancers to dance at varying intervals through the night to set music pieces. May also be required to perform as shooter girls/guys who offer shots of alcohol to customers. We offer a strictly no poles, no lap dancing, no nudity, no semi nudity policy.

    Go to Jobcentreplus and look it up using the code above.


  • I'm never going to get a gold watch

    Another job ends today. I’ve been looking, but not hard enough, for jobs for the last month and a bit but I haven’t found anything to go straight to. So I’ll have at least a week in which to catch up with Spinneyhead projects, which is nice.

    I’ve never had a proper job- one with a direct, ongoing contract with the people I work for rather than some third party. This is simultaneously worrying and exciting. It’s not exactly how I would have things, but I’m okay with it. The longest I’ve managed with a single company was four years at The Gas. Even this was about a year longer than was good for my health or my bank balance. (I remember the day, if not the date, I should have quit. I was in Southampton, working on a problem in Manchester and being threatened with the sack because of someone else’s mistakes.) I bumped into the head of my department last year and he told me all about the people who were still there, four years on. All I could think was “How sad.” I may not, yet, have achieved all the things I hoped to when I left, but at least I tried.

    Ah well. It’s spring, I’ll have another job in a few weeks, I ought to do a few of those long bike rides I keep planning, finish my film, start my novel and generally make the most of my free time.


  • Very nice ponies

    Job Title
    PONY STUD
    ROF/11083

    Location
    ROSS-ON-WYE, HEREFORDSHIRE

    Hours
    20+ HOURS PER WEEK, OVER 7 DAYS, DAYTIMES, FLEXIBLE HOURS

    Wage
    MEETS NATIONAL MINIMUM WAGE, NEGOTIABLE

    Work Pattern
    Days , Weekends

    Employer
    Tedgewood Farm

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description

    Pony Stud required. We are willing to give all training to work with very nice ponies. Live-in position in very pleasant conditions. Two friends would be considered. The job is based in Upton-Bishop. The wages depend on experience. Amount of hours will depend on what applicant can do.


  • Self diagnosis

    Whenever I’m unwell I have particularly vivid dreams.  So the fact that I woke from one last night wanting to cry and not sure quite why says something about my health.  (The pillow drenched in sweat was another sign.)

    I only remember snippets of the dream, from which I’ve ascertained that my subconcious is a manipulative bugger.  This was heart-tugging movie of the week material.  There was the poor little crippled kid who obviously wasn’t going to make it and a troubled blonde who was either a teacher in  the style of Michelle Pfeifer in Dangerous Minds or a doctor like Doctor Susan from the first few series of ER.  Add melodrama and other stuff and stir to see Ian wake up all confused and upset.

    I’ve got tomorrow off.  Watch me come down with something and be incapable of doing the stuff I need to do.


  • Dance experience essential

    More genuine job opportunities found on the JobCentre website and job points. If you think it’s for you, then go to the search page and enter the reference code.

    Job Title
    DANCERS
    WOR/19706

    Location
    NORTH WEST ENGLAND

    Hours
    8 PER WEEK, 4 HOURS PER DAY (EVENINGS), 2 DAYS FROM MON-FRI

    Wage
    UP TO £400 PER NIGHT

    Work Pattern
    Days , Evenings

    Employer
    Revolver Entertainments

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description
    Must be over 18 years old. Must be able to travel. Ideally experience preferred and Dance experience essential. Access to transport essential due to locations of work. Duties include performing as a lap dancer, or a stripper which will involve nudity. There is also a position for an experienced drag-artist. Work available at present. Applicants must have excellent communication skills.

    Job Title
    ENTERTAINERS
    WBA/8309

    Location
    WIGAN, LANCASHIRE

    Hours
    20 PER WEEK, BETWEEN MON-FRI, BETWEEN 7.00PM-MIDNIGHT

    Wage
    EXCEEDS NATIONAL MINIMUM WAGE

    Work Pattern
    Days , Evenings

    Employer
    SF Promotions

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description
    Vacancy not suitable for under 18s. Female and male entertainers required. Must be 18+ due to licensing laws to work in entertainment at nightclubs and smaller venues in the Northwest in a fun-foam show. Duties may involve personal contact as will be taking part in a mock wrestling show. Some dancing ability desirable but not essential and ability to work in a team. Training will be given. Part-time, long term work. Initially weekdays but may lead to full-time employment. Transport to venues will be provided.

    Job Title
    ESCORTS
    NPS/4195

    Location
    NOTTINGHAM, NOTTINGHAMSHIRE

    Hours
    16-29 HOURS, COVERING 24 HOURS, HOURS TO SUIT

    Wage
    £120 PER 3 HOUR SHIFT

    Work Pattern
    Days , Evenings , Nights , Weekends

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description
    Vacancy not suitable for under 18’s. Will involve providing clients with a personal escort service in an unsupervised environment to include attending functions, conferences and parties.

    Job Title
    CHEERLEADING INSTRUCTORS
    WOJ/13222

    Location
    SHEFFIELD, SOUTH YORKSHIRE

    Hours
    1-8 PER WEEK, DAYS AND TIMES TO BE ARRANGED

    Wage
    MINIMUM £15 PER HOUR

    Work Pattern
    Days , Evenings , Weekends

    Employer
    Woodhouse Work-Out

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description
    Must have experience of teaching cheerleading. Will be teaching in a full time studio. A standard disclosure will be required, the employer will pay for this.

    Job Title
    MANGA ARTIST
    WOL/71296

    Location
    WOLVERHAMPTON

    Hours
    FLEXIBLE

    Wage
    £5.35 PER HOUR

    Work Pattern
    Days

    Employer
    Fifth Dimension Ltd

    Employer Ref
    JCENTRE

    Closing Date
    01/03/2007

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description
    The artists will be required to do pencil, ink or colour work. As the pencil work is completed this will then be passed onto the inker where it will be inked. Certain images will be coloured. It is preferable that the artist has experience with manga/anime style but not essential. We require seeing artists portfolio with examples of work in pencil, ink and colour work. Fan art is welcome provided it shows skill, style, flair, creativity and imagination. For an indication of standard refer to website WWW.5DLTD.COM No formal qualifications are required. Wage is negotiable depending on skill. You can work from home and send completed pieces in electronic format over the internet to EMAIL@5DLTD.COM


  • No Experience Necessary

    Genuine jobs found by Alex on the Job Center Plus touchscreen terminals and website.

    * Job Title
    * TRAMPLING/DOMINATION PERSON
    * NOS/85924

    Location
    NORWICH. NORFOLK

    Hours
    30 PER WEEK, MONDAY-FRIDAY, BETWEEN 6PM-12AM

    Wage
    MEETS NAT MIN WAGE

    Work Pattern
    Days , Evenings

    Employer
    Garry James

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    PERMANENT ONLY

    Description

    Vacancy not suitable for under 18’s. Must be open minded for trampling and domination work. Previous experience would be advantageous but not essential as full training will be given. Duties will include acting using dominatrix moves, and performing specialist acts for customers at their requests, which may cause embarrassment to some people. You can earn up to £100 per session. This is a fun job for people who are reliable. There is no obligation to consider making an application for this vacancy. However, if you feel it is suitable for you, please discuss it further with an adviser. Exempted vacancy – Employment Equality Act (Age) Regulations 2006.

    How to apply

    You can apply for this job by telephoning 07919 276752 ext 0 and asking for Garry James.

    * Job Title
    * STRIPPER
    * NEQ/30538

    Location
    NEWQUAY, CORNWALL

    Hours
    AS AND WHEN REQUIRED

    Wage
    EXCEEDS NAT MIN WAGE

    Work Pattern
    Days , Evenings , Weekends

    Pension
    No details held

    Duration
    TEMPORARY ONLY

    Description

    Vacancy not suitable for under 18s. Experience is preferred but not essential as training is given. Duties require the successful applicant to be nude. Please note that there is no obligation to consider making an application for this vacancy. However, if you feel it is suitable for you, please discuss it further with an adviser. Please note that there is no obligation to consider making an application for this vacancy. However, if you feel it is suitable for you, please discuss it further with an adviser.

    How to apply

    For further details please telephone Jobseeker Direct on 0845 6060 234. Lines are open 8.00am – 6.00pm weekdays, 9.00am – 1.00pm Saturday. All calls are charged at local rate. Call charges may be different if you call from a mobile phone. The textphone service for deaf and hearing-impaired people is 0845 6055 255. Alternatively, visit your local Jobcentre Plus Office and ask for job reference NEQ/30538.


  • Will work for self respect

    Last night I let a loony into Casa Spinneyhead.  She sat on the sofa, took out her big Book and proceeded to tell me, four times faster than anyone should be able to speak, that she knew exactly what I wanted and needed and how I could be Saved.

    There was a lot of small, close set type in The Book, punctuated by meaningless diagrams.  The loony would point at these diagrams, moving her hand around whilst ranting about something that had no bearing whatsoever on the bar graph or flowchart she indicated.  She believed so much in what she was evangelising that it was scary.  I managed to get rid of her in the end by taking her card and promising that I would consider her Words and be in touch.

    Then I locked the door and sat very quietly in the living room, shell-shocked.

    This woman wasn’t touting enlightenment through religion, though I imagine the experience would be similar.  She was trying to indoctrinate me into the world of MCSE and/or WIP.  I’d made enquiries about training to see what I’d learn and work out whether I wanted to study for them.  Neither of my questions were answered and I’ve been scared off asking again.

    (Just as an aside, I know some of you will be able to tell me, what would be a reasonable price for MCSE/WIP training?  They do throw a copy of Dreamweaver 8 and some version of Flash into the package.)

    I don’t need to make the £40k a year I was "guaranteed" in the loony’s pitch.  It would be nice, I admit, but you don’t sell things to me any more by quoting big numbers.  I don’t need that much money.  I don’t run a car and I’m 90% certain I’m never buying a house in this country (even if I could afford it).  Most of all, I don’t need the stress that comes with that sort of job.  (I don’t need the stress that comes with my current job either, mind, and it’s earning a lot less.)

    What I’m looking for is that elusive thing- job satisfaction.  I could live on what I’m earning now, just, if I could finish the day feeling like I’d achieved something.  I could probably work for less if it was for myself.  More realistically, I should look for something less frustrating that pays more.

    This contract should run out in May, which means it’ll probably go on until August.  I’m looking for other work all the time and hopefully I’ll find something before this job runs out.

    Then maybe I’ll start thinking about MCSE training.


  • ghost town

    The rest of the team are away for the day getting marriage counselling (or, at least, the business equivalent from someone who also specialises in marital strife) leaving me all alone in an open plan sea of empty desks. Maybe i should have gone along. I thought i was going to be busy today but it looks like i misread the timetable for this week’s job and i’ve actually got nothing to do.

    I could probably do with some career counselling given that i’ve reached the age of thirty five and never had a real job. All the headlines about looming pension crises have me worrying about the uncertain future.

    I’m quite good at something that pays well but only offers career advancement into management, which i’d hate and be bad at. Sadly i’m not specialised enough. I’d love to spend my time data wrangling, spotting trends and producing pretty geo-demographic maps, but noone’s going to ask me to. Plus there’s the whole thing with me not being built for office life, which makes even a good day more stressful than necessary.

    The spinneyhead weblog empire is an attempt to escape the office, but it’s not yet generating enough income to be called anything other than a self financing hobby. I keep a graph of the rolling thirty day average income for the last year. The trend line is currently climbing quite spectacularly, and looks great until you check the peak values. On the one hand two dollars a day buys me the americano i wired myself with this morning. On the other, if the trendline continues on its current trajectory i’ll be into double figures by the end of january and able to call myself a pro blogger by march. I can dream.

    Today is going to drag horribly. I think i’ll try to leave early.


  • The National Audit Office can fuck off

    Apparently the benefits system is losing �3billion a year to fraud and errors. They can have my sympathy when they change the rules to stop punishing people who try to do the right thing and tell them about part time work. Those “We know where to find you” benefit fraud adverts really piss me off right now given that my local office is following moronic rules and thus isn’t allowed to find its own arse with either hand.

    Note to whoever- if someone tells you they’re doing part time work then they probably aren’t trying to defraud you. Give them the benefit of the doubt and pay them the balance of their benefits based upon what they tell you, otherwise next time they won’t bnother declaring anything. They’ll be a benefit fraudster and you’ll be further out of pocket, all because some fuckwit wants documentation for everything before they’ll help someone who’s trying to help themselves.

    Sorry if that got a bit incoherent, but I’ve had my benefit frozen since November because the JSA people want every single payslip for a job that pays a maximum of forty quid a week and can’t get it through their thick skulls that such a low paying job is exactly the type that employers won’t waste money to post out documentation for. (Plus the department that does payslips is in the University Union and I’m working for the Northern Campus UMIST and paperwork just seems to disappear [read: never gets sent] between the two locations.)

    Technorati tag:


  • Vote for me, vote for me!

    MP Idol, anyone. I wish I’d heard about this sooner, because I have some strong views about reforming benefits at the moment. Specifically, if they want people to stop working the black economy, why am I being punished for being honest with them and telling them I’ve got a part time job?

    Because the University is too useless to ensure that I get my payslips, I’ve had all my benefits stopped because I have to present every payslip to the Jobcentre before they’ll decide how much money to deduct from me. Because the JC has put a stop on my money, Housing Benefit has put a stop on their payments and I’m worse off than if I hadn’t tried to make things better for myself. Less honest people would turn around and say “Fuck it, gimme cash in hand”.

    I’m waiting for a call about full time work, so this should become a problem of the past soon. But I really ought to write a letter to my MP or my pal Tony asking why the people setting the rules for benefits so obviously don’t have a clue how the real world works.


  • 2/3rds employment

    Emily has just got a job. My poor little heart is still beating hard after the squeal of joy she made upon finding out. I think people three houses down are still in a state of shock.

    Now I must get a job. If I could get LapLink to perform as advertised, I could be working from home for a former colleague from The Gas. There’s also a job that Johnny O reckons he’s sorted for me, except when I phone the agency to register I can’t seem to get through to Dan The Man so he can register me and pass my name on (it’s a convoluted piece of temp job insider trading, I won’t bore you with details.)

    On the other hand, they’ve just started showing season 1 of Buffy at noon on Sky, and I’d really like to be able to see it, because I missed so many episodes first time around.


  • Signing On

    It’s good to see the Jobcentre people are just as incompetent as ever. I went to the Rusholme jobcentre last Tuesday to arrange a new claim, only to be told I had to do that through the new call centre- go and use one of those phones over there. So I used the phone, in the jobcentre, to call the call centre. “Oh no,” they said, “you’ve got to go to the jobcentre to arrange a new claim.” So I walked back over to reception and told the man there. He was pissed off about this, in a slightly camp way, and called the call centre to make them take my call. I talked to a very apologetic man on the other end of the line and he arranged my interview for today. Problem solved.

    Or so I thought. I received two packs of signing on paperwork. Ignoring the second one, I filled everything out last night. When I turned up this morning and handed over the covering letter (which I admit I had only skim read for the time) it turned out to say my interview wasn’t until the 6th of May. I wandered back and ripped open the second envelope. The cover letter in this one said my interview was today. Back to the JC and hand this one over. “Your name’s not on the list.” why am I not surprised? “And you’ve been booked in with the single parent adviser.” !!!!?????

    Credit to the people in the Jobcentre, they made time for me- and didn’t once ask about my children, and were very apologetic about it all.

    I’m off to see a recruitment consultant this afternoon. Hopefully I can have a job again before my next signing date.