I’ve never visited EBay’s Weird Stuff section before, so I don’t know if the guy offering to sell himself for a day is a common kind of sale. Ladies, if you’ve got a dollar to spare and can make it to Cardiff, he’s still going cheap. (Daz keeps threatening to put me on EBay, but judging by the success of this, I think not) Maybe he should have advertised as a Madman and come with five pounds spending money.

If he does get bid on, and one thing leads to another, perhaps he’ll be in need of a set of Vaginal Speculums (Small, Medium and Large). Is the plural of speculum specula? I need to know.

As you might expect, there are also tiny naked women, fairies and homoerotic figurines. Why must depictions of naked men be assumed to be homoerotic? I’m only repeating the seller’s assertions when they called him ‘Gay Tim’. Don’t women like looking at images of naked men. Hold on a second, I’ll just go and find out (wanders downstairs to ask Emily if she’s got a PlayGirl subscription………) She doesn’t mind, but tells me you can’t judge character from one still photo, plus if they’re too cute you automatically assume they’re gay until convinced otherwise. Though this naked clone phone holder is undoubtedly camp as a field of Boy Scouts.

Want fully clothed women? How about a life sized Goth girl mannequin. “Sorry to lose her,” says the owner, “but she’s blocking the airing cupboard and scaring husband to death.”

A single piece of toilet roll? Nah, my bum’s way too big for that. Besides, you know that what you really want is to buy some of my old comics!