Cheese Fest

Because Ian wasn’t here to enjoy them, we thought it only fair to assess each cheese of the several cheeses we’ve sampled here today and post the results here so that he can see what he was missing. We’ve rated each one on the classic criteria of Damage, Style, Control and Agression.

The results are:

Cheese

Damage

Style

Control

Aggression

Feta

Mostly harmless

Min

Very difficult to get out of the packet

Pacifist

Sticky toffee cheese

A moment on the lips and a lifetime on the hips

Classy and sophisticated

Very well behaved

It’s a sweety.

Gorgonzola

It didn’t blow Lorna’s head off

Farmyard chic

Very soft

More bark than bite

Blue Stilton

Tingles on the tongue

Stately home

Soft and sticky

Voted cheese more likely to take over the living room

Camembert

This cheese or the fumes given off by it have started to dissolve the glass table top

You could introduce it to your mother

This cheese is uncontrollable: it has already made three attempts to escape

Likely to start WW3 all by itself

Parmesan

Broken three knives all ready

Milan couture

Keep on a leash

Hard as nails

Cheddar with onion, chutney and redcurrants

Moderate

Fruity with bite

Slightly Flaky

Pub bitch slapping

Wensleydale with cranberry

Superficial

Smooth

Very crumbly

Safe to leave unsupervised

Double Gloucester with caramelised onion

Minimal

A little bit Trinny and Susannah

Blah

Mild mannered

Cheddar with cracked black pepper

Mild kick

Smooth and creamy

Holds together nicely

Not going to take the roof of your mouth of

White Stilton with Apricot

Minimal

Smooth

Crumbles under pressure

Couldn’t burst a grape in a fruit fight

The clear favourite was the Sticky Toffee Pudding cheese, probably closely followed by the Italian thoroughbred Gorgonzola which was loved by anyone brave enough to try it.

On the non-cheese front, the brownie was voted product least likely to survive until Ian’s return.


0 Responses to Cheese Fest

  1. #Pout# 🙁

    It’s a good job I’ll probably be bringing some flapjack and chocolate brownie back with me then, isn’t it.