Monthly archives: January 2019


Because Roadkill

There’s a new series of Top Gear coming soon. It’s the programme that will never die, if only because of all the money that must be rolling in from its syndication abroad and all the international offshoots.

And, if I’m honest, I’ll probably make the mistake of watching an episode or two. But there are a bunch of far better shows about cars out there.

I’m an odd eco-worrier, in that I love cars. The designs, the mechanics, the cultures that have built up around them or use them as a form of expression. The sorts of things that Top Gear, mostly, ignores.

The Speedhunters website- set up as a promotional companion to the Need For Speed franchise- covers a wide range of car cultures through blog posts and photo galleries. For the other stuff, I’ve found a few cool online video channels.

Motortrend is a channel that grew out of YouTube videos. It is home to dozens of syndicated shows from other sources- all car related, of course- but it’s the originals that are the real draw.

Roadkill is the original. Friends Mike Finnegan and David Freiburger travel the USA, trying to get old cars up and running again, quite often rescuing them from scrapyards or having to cut them out of shrubbery. Then they attempt to drive the bangers to an arranged meet up or event. Of course, they don’t always get there.

I know this sounds like so many of Top Gear’s challenges, but there’s a big difference. Finnegan and Freiburger are competent mechanics (and bodgers, when necessary), and they genuinely want to succeed, rather than simply build up to a scripted failure. And they’re not farting around in supercars with their tame racing driver in tow. Their failures are fun and funny, and their successes all the more impressive.

Roadkill gave rise to a bunch of other programmes. Dirt Every Day can be thought of as Roadkill off-road, with excitable puppy Fred Williamson rescuing or hacking up four wheel drives to take rock crawling, trail driving or mud plugging. Roadkill Garage sees Frieburger teaming up with scarecrow genius Steve Dulcich for budget engine swaps, performance upgrades and crazy conversions. Hotrod Garage is a tidier version of Roadkill Garage, with cuddly duo Tony Angelo and Lucky Costa delivering everyman performance. There’s now a two wheeled take on the Roadkill formula- Throttle Out- which is only three episodes in so far, but shows promise.

Subscription to the channel is only £5.99 a month, and its worth it for the originals alone. But if you’re in the US, or use VPN, there’s all the syndicated stuff, and lots of motorsport, as well. Highly recommended.

YouTube is a good place to go for interesting hobbyist motoring content. The Motortrend family started there, before striking out on its own, and it is home to some others. Mighty Car Mods is my current favourite. Presented by Aussie mates Marty and Moog, it follows their adventures and misadventures in souping up cars. They’re big fans of Japanese motors, regularly taking trips to the land of the rising sun to pick up ‘nuggets’ or sample the delights of drifting and other car subcultures. They’re passionate and enthusiastic, but don’t take themselves too seriously, and episodes have fine soundtracks courtesy of Moog.

Much more British, right down to the obligatory cups of tea, packs of digestives, and oily overalls, is Project Binky. The project is a long term production, as Bad Obsession Motorsports (two guys in a garage) shoehorn a four wheel drive system into an original Mini. Episodes are sporadic, turning up when enough progress has been made to merit an update. This is an involved build, as you might guess, but it’s delightful to watch sheets of two mil aluminium bent, cut and welded into all sorts of components. The bit where we get to see the car up and running is still a way off, but it should be worth it.

So, I’ll probably fold, and watch some of the new Top Gear, but I’ll go back to the internet if I want to get some interesting car TV.


Didn’t Bleed Red 3

Area 51

“What is that thing?” the President asked.

“We call them Centaurs, sir.” The scientist who answered kept his gaze fixed on the tablet cradled in his left arm, hoping to hide a scowl.

“It looks like a spider, and a caterpillar, sort of. But bent in the middle. Four arms and four legs. What’s that about? And the head? So ugly. It could be one of those creatures. You know, with the body of a man sticking out the front of a horse. What are those called?”

“Centaurs, sir.”

The President was silent for a moment, as if trying to remember where he had heard that word recently. “It is so ugly. So ugly. This was the alien in charge, wasn’t it?”

“No. Sir. This was just a soldier. This one was killed….” The scientist checked the tablet. “On the grounds of Andrews Air Force base, in an explosion as it tried to breach the nuclear hangars along with a force of others.”

“If it’s not the leader then why are we cutting it up?”

“To find out more about it. If we can understand the biology of all the different creatures that were in the attacking force, perhaps we can find the common attributes that led to them working together. Perhaps we can learn how their technologies worked, as well. How their armour and weapons….”

The President had stopped listening a sentence into the explanation, and had turned to look through the smoked glass partition to the side of the large screen displaying the alien’s corpse. “What are they doing?” He gestured at the four figures in the room beyond the partition. The three women and one man stood around a rectangular table, staring intently down at its empty surface. Dressed in matching light grey slacks and T-shirts, they each had an X shaped harness across their chest and boxy virtual reality goggles over their eyes. Wires curled from the boxes on the backs of the harnesses down to the padded black gloves on their hands.

“This is the team that will be doing the autopsy. They’re in a VR environment that reproduces the operating theatre, and can operate the arms you see above the body. It’s safer to keep them out of the theatre, to avoid any contamination or infection.

“When are you going to cut up the leader? I don’t have time to watch the unimportant ones being chopped up.”

“We don’t know that we have the leader.”

“We do not even know whether they had a leader, as such.” an Air Force officer chipped in from behind the President. “We went over this in the briefing this morning, sir. About how their decision making seemed to be decentralised, based upon how they reacted to localised threats and acted as a whole.”

“I know that. I know that. When are you going to find their leader and cut it up?”

The scientist’s mouth opened, but he stopped himself explaining, again, the invaders’ organisational structure. The President had moved on anyhow, he wanted to find someone else to misunderstand.

Kyle Reeves trailed along at the back of the President’s entourage, and had the time to watch the emotions play across the scientist’s face. It was a familiar mix of anger, disbelief and confusion, and he had seen it regularly since being appointed to the White House staff. People were astounded to find that the Commander-in-Chief truly was as uncouth and dumb as all the late night talk shows had told them before the invasion. Then they became upset that he was still in position at such an important moment in human history, and wondered how true the rumours about him cowering in a bunker during the invasion were.

It was tempting, sometimes, to tell them the tales were almost correct. The President had been rushed down to the situation room as soon as the Platonics- as the scientists had taken to calling the larger ships- had appeared in orbit. At first he had demanded he be taken out of Washington, because it was clearly a prime target. Then, as the situation rapidly escalated, he had disappeared for long, vital hours, upset that his Space Force had been obliterated in a matter of seconds.

This was for the best, everyone agreed behind his back, as it allowed the career military in the room to operate without his interference. It was an unprecedented situation, that hadn’t even been war-gamed by any of them, but at least they had an understanding of how their forces were deployed and what they were capable of.

When the President returned, uninformed, unhinged and angry, the war was clearly being lost. Film buffs on the staff described what followed as a Downfall moment, as the Commander-in-Chief ranted about the failures of everyone but himself, and outlined plans that would have seen the aliens victorious hours earlier if they had been followed.

It was as members of the Secret Service were unclipping their holsters and considering how they would explain the death of the President that everything changed. That was when reports started to come in of alien ships losing control and crashing, whilst their infantry broke ranks and fled, surrendered, or started fighting amongst themselves. The President had been left in his corner, spluttering madly, whilst the generals and admirals went back to assessing the situation and giving orders.

The tragic accident a few days later, which saw so many of those military leaders lost as they headed to meet with top brass from other nations, had forestalled the President’s removal from office. It had also allowed for the promotion of a number of officials believed to be loyal to him. The spin began immediately. There was no denying he had been in the situation room when the invasion had been turned back. But the story now was that his leadership had been the decisive factor in this. His impassioned railing against the military orthodoxy that had seen, at best, a slower defeat, had been the inspiration for whatever secret weapon or tactic had broken the alien armada.

Some people even believed the fairytale. But none of them had ever met the man in person.

Reeves was part of the new intake of staff, personal assistant to a career politician whose chief qualification was his willingness to defend the President, no matter what, all over the news channels. The congressman was happy enough for the attention, and the feel of power. Reeves was after more.

The President was easily manipulated. Keep him away from criticism, and feed him praise and carefully tended propaganda, and he would think he had made the decisions he had been guided to. Reeves was learning all the tricks. He was going to use them soon enough. He had plans.


Didn’t Bleed Red 2

Jasmine stared at her hands, studying them as if they belonged to someone else. She turned them over, and the red filigrees wrapped around, criss-crossing over the paler skin of her palms. Several of the lines intersected, but the points moved as she watched. They kept shifting, rearranging until they formed two stylised eyes, staring back at her.

She blinked and shook her head. The eyes shifted to spirals. The patterns responded, in ways she didn’t yet fully understand, to her thoughts and emotions. The eyes had been a manifestation of her paranoia, far too obvious symbolism.

There were four men sprawled on the sandy ground around her. Three men and a teenager, she corrected herself, reassessing their ages. They each groaned and gasped in pain, clutching at the points where she had made contact with their bodies. One of them- the one who had wielded the metal bar- had a newly broken nose, with blood smeared across his face. Jasmine turned her hands over again. There was a trace of blood across the knuckles of her right hand. She wiped it away.

Beyond the barriers at the end of the alley, the crowd carried on its bustle. If anyone had seen what just happened, they had quickly hurried on their way. There was a brief disturbance of the flow of the crowd, and two figures stepped from it. They stared at her for a moment, looked down at the bodies around her, and then glanced at each other. Sharing something that was a mix of nod and shrug, they started toward her.

The man, tall, broad and blonde, placed a hand on the top of a barrier, and levered himself over it with a strange grace. The woman, short, petite and dark, thought about trying the trick, but quickly resigned herself to walking around the barrier instead. She hustled, without breaking into a sprint, until she had caught the man up and could, more or less, match his strides. Carla and Kyle had found her.

“It happened again?” Carla said as she drew close to Jasmine.

“And it was like I was only partly there, like before. No, actually, less like before. I didn’t feel so distant, though I was still not completely in control.” Jasmine stared at the ground, as if she should be ashamed of something she had just done. “It was like watching someone else playing a game. I could think of what my body should be doing, but sometimes, it did something else. It made the right choices, though, I guess.”

“And these guys?” Kyle was kneeling by the one with the broken nose, doing a visual triage of the wounds she had inflicted.

“I seem to attract them, I don’t know why. Don’t worry, I haven’t done permanent damage to any of them. Apart from that nose, I don’t think I’ve broken anything.”

The teenage member of Jasmine’s attackers said something, but it was hissed through clenched teeth. Carla and Kyle looked to Jasmine for a translation. “Chen has us marked.” she said, then asked, “Who is Chen?”

One of the men berated the teenager, threatening injury if he should expand upon his comment. Jasmine moved, shifting until her right foot filled his vision. She only wore light shoes, but her kicks had been fast and precise. He silenced his threats. Nonetheless, the teen said nothing more.

Kyle could guess what had been said, without Jasmine translating. “I bet Chen’s some local gangster or crime lord wannabe. I’m sure we know someone who can fill us in on him. Let’s get out of here, and leave these four to their pain.”

“Jas, your top’s torn.” Carla noted. The material had ripped down the front, where one of the thugs had managed to get a lucky hold, to reveal a skintight top in the same shade of red as the patterns on Jasmine’s arms and legs.

“I told them I didn’t want to wreck any more of my clothes.” Jasmine pinched the edges of the tear together, shaking her head in disappointment.

“Here, drape this over your shoulders and tie it at the front.” Carla unwound the black and white keffiyah from around her neck, and Jasmine covered herself as suggested. “There you go. Almost decent again.”

They were a few steps away from the four sprawled thugs when Jasmine stopped and turned around. “Next time, I won’t be so careful about breaking bones. Tell Chen not to trouble us, and all will be well.”

“Did you just get us involved in a fight with the Triads?” Kyle asked.

“I don’t think so. I offered peace. Sort of.”


Didn’t Bleed Red – 1

Didn’t Bleed Red will be serialised on Tapas and elsewhere, but you’ll get to see it here first, about a month before anyone else. The schedule is one scene a week for the first few weeks, then up to two a week once I have a sufficient buffer in place. If I get far enough ahead, I may even go to three times a week as the action ramps up.

Hong Kong

Complicated patterns in red henna ran up the dark skin of the young woman’s arms. They disappeared into the sleeves of her top, but were echoed by further lines sneaking out of her collar and teasing at her neck. Baggy cargo pants were rolled up to mid calf, showing similar body decorations on the front and back of her shins, even disappearing into the flat plimsolls she wore. Her hair was cropped very short, little more than a black skull cap. A serene expression distracted from the way her eyes studied everything.

She walked through the confused jumble of peoples in the market, calm amongst the bustle. Taller than the average, but not enough to stand over everyone else. Another foreigner displaced by the invasion, coping with the trauma in her own way. That was the impression anyone intrigued enough to give her closer scrutiny would have come away with. Her dancing eyes caught sight of something that interested her, and she cut across the flow of shoppers and browsers to stand before one of the stalls and study its wares.

The plastic mannequin was moulded in white, with printed highlights in pastel shades of pink and blue. The oversized head had big brown eyes and a wide, manically beaming mouth, but the nose was little more than a small check mark. Lacking packaging, it was impossible to know which manga or anime had birthed her without consulting a deep otaku. The joints of the limbs moved, and the figure was mounted on a stand so it could be posed in almost any position.

The woman moved the arms and legs of the figure, posing it in a fighting stance. Holding it up, she asked the man behind the stall, “How much is the figure? Do you have the box for it?”

Her Cantonese was clear and precise, but she delivered it with an odd flatness. A lack of accent of any kind, that made it sound almost machine like. The stallholder stared at her for a moment, blinking with confusion. “One hundred dollars.” he pronounced eventually.

The woman reached into a pocket of her cargo shorts. She appeared to be sorting through the contents by touch, until she plucked out exactly the right note. “Here you are. Did you say that you had a box?”

“The box for that one was damaged in the wave. My warehouse wasn’t high enough to avoid it. But I didn’t get swamped as badly as some. I was lucky. Here, I should knock the price down because there’s no box.” He handed twenty five dollars back, almost surprised at himself.

“Thank you very much.” The woman gave a little bow, put the money into one zipped pocket, and the figurine into another, stepped back into the flow of people, and disappeared.

The stallholder shrugged. It wasn’t the strangest thing he had seen in the last few months. Perhaps the oddest customer interaction for a few days, though.

The woman’s journey through the market continued, as she headed toward the smells of food. She moved more fluidly now, with more purpose, slipping through gaps in the foot traffic with ease. Without giving the impression that she was hurrying, she outpaced the other pedestrians easily. The four men following her couldn’t match her pace without barging people out of the way.

They lost her at a junction. Left, right, and straight ahead there were food carts. Their only hope was that she had stopped to eat, and that would allow them to locate her again. Gathering together, they scanned all the possible directions, until a break in the crowd revealed her.

She was eating a fish kebab at a stall mere metres away. For a moment, she looked up, and they were sure she stared straight at them. But then her attention went back to the food, and they berated themselves silently for their fears.

Kebab finished, the woman cleaned her hands and mouth with a towel hanging from the end of the food cart. She gave a bow to the proprietor, who returned the gesture with the sort of smile reserved for regular customers, and set off once more. Her shadows followed.

They tailed her more closely this time, not wanting to lose her again. She led them through the crowd, her pace sedate again now she had eaten. They reached the edge of the market, and the crush of shoppers abated. Then she turned left, toward the waterfront. She lifted a wooden barrier, shifting it enough to get around the end, and walked into a debris strewn alleyway.

After the noise and press of the crowd, this narrow space was silent and empty. Silt and sand was packed up against the bottoms of the walls, darker veins running through the dull gold. Further down the alley, a bundle of larger boxes, cars, and even a dinghy, were stacked up where the wave had deposited them. They blocked the alley, forming a dead end. The woman studied the barrier, arms hanging down by her sides.

“You seem to have got yourself trapped in here with us. We’ll take all of your money now.” The leader of the four thieves said, loud enough for the alley, but without any echoes to tell folks outside what was happening.

“Why would I give you any money?” the woman asked.

That was the cue for two flick knives to be deployed, the distinctive snap of the blades being revealed clear in the relative silence. There was a metallic tapping, as another of the gang drew the bar that he used as a club, and beat it against the ground. “You don’t want to get hurt.” their leader said.

“Neither do you.” The woman turned to face them, and their bravado faltered.

The cap of short hair had spread, extending down to cover her face with a mask. Her eyes were indicated by paler sections, and her mouth and nostrils had slits across them. The near featureless face had an expression, however minimalist, of anger. The red marks on her limbs had morphed from henna tattoos to a skin suit with a glossy finish that hinted at armour. Slowly, taunting them, she shifted into the fighting stance she had posed the figurine in earlier.

“You can leave now, if you want. I would rather not destroy more of my clothes.” she said.