As it’s relevant again, I repeat this important announcement from 2002-

Manchester Earthquake Appeal
A NUMBER OF MAJOR EARTHQUAKES MEASURING FROM 3.2 ON THE RICHTER SCALE, HIT IN THE EARLY HOURS OF MONDAY 21ST OCTOBER 2002 EPICENTERED ON MANCHESTER, UK

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering “Fookin’ shaking, yow,” “Fook” and “Someone just twocked me ‘ouse”. The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £10 worth of damage. Subsequent to the seismic activity, some fireworks missed their intended human targets, causing damage to nearby historic and scientifically significant litter. It is estimated that, during the confusion, over £5 million worth of robbery-time was lost, damaging the Mancunian economy.

Many were woken well before their giro arrived. Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Manchester. One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17-year-old mother-of-three said, “It felt just like when that fookin’ Magic bus hit t’fookin’ ‘ouse. Little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom shouting “fook”. My youngest two, Liam-Noel and Kevin slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning.”

Apparently, though, looting did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Red Stripe to the area to help the stricken masses. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including fireworks, burberry caps, benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise clothing and food parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in it. Clothing is most sought after. Items required include: –

Caps
Adidas Tracksuit bottoms
White Socks
Shell Suits
Boots

Food parcels may be harder to put together but necessary all the same. Required foodstuffs include: –

Pies
Chips
McDonalds
Red Stripe
Fireworks

Mancunians have insisted to avoid problems “wit’ the fookin’ rozzers” they don’t need any more handouts but just wish to be able to “help themselves” in this difficult time, more than the just dole money they already claim (for five different people).

£10 can provide a hammer, which can be used to ‘twock’ grannies and back up shoplifting exploits, providing enough money to support a family of Scallys on McDonalds for the forseeable future.

£5 will provide a Mancunian with essential “E’s and Scag”.

22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

If you can afford it, £120 buys a new pair of Nike Airs, justifying one Scally’s decision to tuck their tracksuit bottoms into their socks, and helping said individual avoid being caught while nicking said trainers from JD Sports.

Please do not send money directly to Mancunians, as there is a good chance they’ll come looking for you, realising in their primitive way, that where there is money to give away, there is great potential for robbery.

Please give generously.

Sammy Boyo esq

On behalf of the Manchester Earthquake Appeal Fund