Carter USM

And God Created Brixton 2

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Far too much of what I know of London comes from Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine lyrics. It’s been odd listening to them and flicking over to Twitter to read of riots in the capital. I don’t know where all these places are, absolutely or in relation to each other, and, apart from Croydon, I haven’t been to any of them. So I don’t know how big the riots are and how dangerous they are.

Anyone I know in London- hell, anyone in London- I hope you’re safe.

I walked from my baby’s Brixton flat
Into a riot
I thought of maybe turning back
Till things were quiet
When all the buildings to be burned
Had been burned
And all the cars to overturn
Were overturned

Outside the prison they were screen testing the free
Open auditions for closed circuit T.V.
Your baby brother would be there outside the jail
Throwing bottles as the police sirens wailed
And a love song might not be suitable
But you look beautiful tonight

Death and disaster only make me love you more
The morning after the night that went before
When the brains of Brixton with conflicting points of views
Are outside The Ritzy on the local TV news

A love song might not be suitable
But you look beautiful tonight
And if you feel the same way as I feel
Everything will be alright

I was thinking,
Let’s forget about the car
And do some late night drinking
In a late night drinking bar
It isn’t far, well it’s my local anyway
I know the barman
And there’s a small vocal P.A.

Now the insurance man has left you with the news
That your third party fire and theft would be no use
And I know a love song isn’t suitable or right
But you look beautiful, beautiful tonight

And if you feel the same was as I feel
Everything will be alright

Tonight, Big Brother is watching you
And I am watching too
I will watch over you
Like a thunderbolt out of the blue
Something told me it was true
God created me and you
And God created Brixton too
Hallelujah!
Praise the Lord!
Tonight you can rest assured
The Father, Son, The Holy Ghost and I
Will love you more than most
Tonight

Castaway Tunes

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So the BBC is asking members of the public to nominate their own 8 choices for Desert Island Discs, no doubt so they can see how the tastes of we plebs differ from those of the celebrity guests. It seems like the perfect excuse to list my choices here as well. In no particular order beyond as I think of them, here are mine-

1. Echobelly – I Can’t Imagine The World Without Me

1994 belonged to Oasis but, though I do have a soft spot for the mono-browed brothers, it should have been Echobelly’s year. Better songs, more interesting sound and vastly more attractive and interesting singer. I Can’t Imagine The World Without Me is a perfect piece of ego and joy, it can’t fail to make me happy.

2. Inspiral Carpets – Saturn 5

I could have chosen the raw blast of Joe, my introduction to the band, or Sackville, which has the added interest of being about the street I used to study on. But there’s a power to this one. And apart from Sleeping Satellite, how many other pop songs have been about the lapsed glories of the space race?

Bonus Sackville and Joe videos-

3. Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine – Say It With Flowers

I used to have After The Watershed as my Carter song because I pulled to it once and there’s something so wrong about the juxtaposition of the song’s subject and memories of getting laid. And Only Living Boy In New Cross was one of the songs which kept me going in 2001. But Say It With Flowers gave me the title to Sounds of Soldiers, and every radio show needs a plug.

Bonus videos-

4. James – Sit Down

James made many damn fine records. But, really, there was only ever going to be one choice from them wasn’t there? It’s an anthem and it’s beautiful.

5. Camper Van Beethoven – Life Is Grand

Because it is. If I ever make a film I want this song over the closing credits.

6. 10cc – I’m Not In Love

It gives you shivers. Glorious.

7. The Wonder Stuff – Ruby Horse

Another song that gave me a book title (Ruby Red, I’m not mercenary, it really is an excellent song.

8. Frank Sinatra – New York, New York

Many many great nights have wound down to Ol’ Blue Eyes’ anthem. It seems appropriate for it to be the last song on the list.

A fraction of a half life, some housework and some home truths

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I’d never actually seen this clip before. When it happened I was listening to the show on the radio. This is not a great example of Carter USM, they were made to lipsync to a backing track, were lost on the audience and were faded down early. But it does have Fruitbat’s flying tackle of Philip Schofield at the end, which almost makes up for it.

After The Watershed (Early Learning The Hard Way)

Exhibit F, the reporters said
loved you to death after the watershed
Between the Open University and closedown
you were dead

He’s warmed your cockles with his magic tricks
glasses, bottles, bottles, filter tips
John Player Special
Number 666

Exhibit G from the family firm
his bride to be taking twisted turns
To give you French kisses
and Chinese burns

You see, she’d had a skinful and she couldn’t stop
like a pitbull in a china shop
And all the King’s social workers, the ghurkas and the cops
somehow
couldn’t love you back to life again now

A black eye for a black eye
a chipped tooth for a chipped tooth
a fraction of a half life
some housework and some home truths
And nothing but the home truth
Nothing but the home truth
Nothing but the home truth

And it’s goodbye Ruby Tuesday
Come home you silly cow
We’ve baked a cake and your friends are waiting
and David Icke says he’d like to show us how
to love you back to life again now

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday
Come home you silly cow
We’ve baked a cake and your friends are waiting… waiting… waiting…

AND DAVID ICKE SAYS!

goodbye Ruby Tuesday
Come home you silly cow
We’ve baked a cake and your friends are waiting
and David Icke says
Goodbye, you silly cow
Come home
come home
come home
come home

A black eye for a black eye
a chipped tooth for a chipped tooth
a fraction of a half life
some housework and some home truths
And nothing but the home truth
Nothing but the home truth
Nothing but the home truth

The Taking of Peckham 123

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It’s like Saint Valentine’s Day
at the sugar candy store
where the barman lays
on the bloodstained floor
with all the wines
and the cocktails
he won’t be serving anymore
to the swingers
and the roustabouts
and the carnivore queen
who’s looking for the 3 scrooges
who are nowhere to be seen
and life’s just a bowl of cherries
for the fruit machine
THE TAKING OF PECKHAM
1 . . 2 . . 3 . . 1 . . 2 . . 3 . .
Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest
they robbed him blind,
then dumb.
and then deaf
and they left him there bleeding
on the pavement to die
and he went to that
great high-rise block in the sky
And the hands that do the dishes
feel as soft as your face
then they rob you of your pension
and they ransack your place
still, you try to forgive
like the Babby Jesus did
though it’s so hard to be a saint
in the flats where you live
And you’ll live there forever
and the day that you die
when you’ll go to that
great high-rise block in the sky
and you’ll meet the Babby Jesus
so you ll know you’re in Heaven
and you’ll get back the years
that you gave
in the taking of Peckham

The Taking of Peckham 123 by Carter USM from 101 Damnations

Because the music that they constantly play, it says nothing to me about my life

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Panic on the streets of London
Panic on the streets of Birmingham
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be sane again ?
The Leeds side-streets that you slip down
I wonder to myself
Hopes may rise on the Grasmere
But Honey Pie, you’re not safe here
So you run down
To the safety of the town
But there’s Panic on the streets of Carlisle
Dublin, Dundee, Humberside
I wonder to myself

Burn down the disco
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
IT SAYS NOTHING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music they constantly play

On the Leeds side-streets that you slip down
Provincial towns you jog ’round
Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ
Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
HANG THE DJ, HANG THE DJ
Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ
HANG THE DJ

Panic – The Smiths

But I was listening to the Carter USM cover version

If you can’t say it with flowers then don’t say anything

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This is the song that donated the title for Sounds of Soldiers. There are too many books that aren’t very good that take their titles from the Bible or works of great literature. I’ve always wanted to write something better than a Tom Clancy (I’d say better than Dan Brown, but that would be aiming low) then take the title from something supposedly low brow like the indie music I love.

The Christmas cards and greetings are arriving
Across the shifty sands to the war
by the time I get to read them she’ll be rising
To a 50/50 chance and nothing more
Through the sleet and drizzle
You can hear the sounds of soldiers
The Kalashnikov and splutter
On a sunny day
From the east of the middle
To the north and south of nowhere
People earn their bread and butter
In some funny ways

CHORUS
Meanwhile…
In the corridors of power
Where the talks are in full swing
If you can’t say it with flowers
Then don’t say anything

Because I want to see my children
Grow up into healthy human beings
I want to see them walking, running
Playing, laughing and singing

CHORUS

I’m just outside the home
of Christmas now
And I’m dying
All across the shifty sands there’s blood and guts
By the time I get to Jesus she’ll still be crying
I guess a 50/50 chance wasn’t good enough

Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine – Say It With Flowers

Also- This Is The Sound Of An Eclectic Guitar – A Collection of Other People’s Songs

Elvis lives and Carter break America

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“When you’re young you can eat what you like, drink what you like and still fit into your twenty six inch waist trousers…Then you reach that age 24, 25… your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag – and without any warning at all you are suddenly a FAT BASTARD!”

I have copies of all the songs on You Fat Bastard, the soon to be released Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine retrospective. But I might be tempted to pick it up for better quality versions of some of the songs.

I couldn’t find Surfin’ USM on YouTube, so here’s The Only Living Boy in New Cross-

And After The Watershed-

I remember pulling to After The Watershed, which seems a little wrong when you think about it.

Say it with flowers

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The Christmas cards and greetings are arriving
across the shifty sands to the war
By the time I get to read them she’ll be rising
to a 50/50 chance and nothing more

Through the sleet and drizzle
you can hear the sounds of soldiers
The Kalashnikov and splutter
on a sunny day
From the East of middle
to the North and South of nowhere
People earn their bread and butter
in some funny ways

Meanwhile . .
In the corridors of power
where the talks are in full swing
if you can’t say it with flowers
then don’t say anything

Because I want to see my children
grow up into healthy human beings
I want to see them walking, running.
playing, laughing and singing

In the corridors of power
where the talks are in full swing
if you can’t say it with flowers
then don’t say anything

I’m just outside the home of Christmas now
and I’m dying
A across the shifty sands there’s blood and guts
By the time I get to Jesus she’ll still be crying
I guess a 50/50 chance wasn’t good enough

(Say it with flowers – Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine)

Don't try this verse if you're sat at home

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Don’t go surfing in the English surf
It’s cold and it’s dirty and the beach is worse
There’s glass in the sand and the ice cream man is cursed

Don’t go walking in the summer sun
Without a sun cream factor of a Hundred and One
The burns and the boils are gonna try and spoil your fun

Come out in the sunshine
It’s gonna rain sometime
It won’t get better but it might never get worse

Sunshine – Carter USM

But I wish you were here, Twisting my arm And bending my ear

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We had one for sorrow, two for joy
Three for his old girl and four for the boys
Five for silver and six for gold
Then we lose control
So we leave his keys behind the bar
Because he’s too drunk to drive his car
We’re on the backseat of this taxi
And I don’t know where the hell we are
Re-Educating Rita – Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine

All I wanted was some tender loving care, Before it gets sponsored with the water and the air

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Call me old fashioned
But I’m a little nervous about the future
I’ve got no enthusiasm
For burgers or computers
Televisions bores me now
In a hundred different ways
And the police are getting younger
Getting younger every day

Glam Rock Cops – Carter USM

Full lyrics here.

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Songs to get buried to

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Following on from Monday’s post about the top ten funeral songs, I thought it would be worth drawing up a list of alternative funeral songs. Leave your own suggestions in the comments and I’ll add them to the list.

I Can’t Imagine The World Without Me – Echobelly
The already mentioned brisk two fingers to death and a call to enjoy life.

Life is Grand – Camper Van Beethoven
After an album of songs about death and drugs the Beethovens turn around and say, “The hell with you miserable bastards, we quite enjoy life.”

The Only Living Boy in New Cross – Carter USM
You can never be sure with Carter, they hide some dark subjects under their pop-punk. This song seems to be about the pressures of touring and I adopted it as the theme tune to a hellish period on the road in 2001. In keeping with the memorial theme it does have a dedication-

Goodbye Rudy, David and Rosie
Abraham and Julianne
and everyone that knows me

The gypsies, the travellers and the thieves
The good, the bad, the average and unique
The grebos the crusties and you and I

Wonderstuff – Give, Give, Give, Me More, More, More

Well I hope I make more money than this in the next world.
I hope there’s a lot more in it there for me.
I’d like my trousers pressed and my shoes
shined up by a rich girl,
who’s only care in the world is me.

What a Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong or Joey Ramone
Because it is a wonderful world, and perhaps people need reminding.

Previous musical lists-
Songs
Music to get laid to

Additions

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life – Monty Python
So obvious I’m surprised more people don’t choose it. Best if you can be sure a choir of friends and family will get up to perform it.

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Causing chaos and delay on the Underground

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I was a bit nervous on Saturday whilst riding the rails under London. Not because I was afraid of anything going kaboom, but because I was carrying a backpack around. The Met’s reputation for shooting the wrong people is further reinforced by the news that Friday’s terror raid in London was based on bad intelligence.

Update The, likely innocent, injured suspect was shot by a cop in a CBRN suit with gloves so thick he couldn’t even tell he’d pulled the trigger.

(Not entirely related song lyric- Lean On Me, I Won’t Fall Over, Carter USM, Straw Donkey: the singles)

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disneyland, narnia, former yugoslavia

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It’s probably too easy to pick at the logic of children’s fiction, but i will any how.

In a world with so many sapient animals, is it right for the children to hunt deer? And what of any stags at court, surely their tacit approval of this activity makes them no better than slave owners- happy to allow the exploitation of ‘inferior’ members of their race. How did the beavers feel, watching the children of adam and eve walking around in fur coats?

It’s a problem with all anthropomorphism, not just narnia. If we imagine the creatures possess intelligence the equivalent of humans then we should consider how they would feel about humanity’s exploitation of other animals. Or we should expect them to remain shockingly beastly, but with added cunning. Does the intelligence to comprehend the impact of your actions automatically lead to the development of ‘morals’? Discuss.

I liked the way the opening scene was echoed in the final battle. Has there ever been one of these dual world stories where the humans come in and introduce modern tactics and adapt the fantastic creatures to suit? If not then it can join the long list of stories i should write one day.

Update Title taken from The Music That Nobody Likes by Carter USM. I like it so much that I’ve used it before. I also turned out to be The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe in an online quiz ages ago.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE AVERAGE AND UNIQUE (A Collection Of Besides)

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CARTER USM
THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE AVERAGE AND UNIQUE (A Collection Of Besides)

*1. Everything You Ever Wanted To Know…
2. Hounded (with Wez)
3. Sweetheart Sugar Baby (version)
4. Elvis Lives (& carterbreakamerica)
5. Junk Male (demo)
6. Hounded (demo)
7. Drop The Bomb (demo)
8. Every Time A Churchbell Rings (demo)
9. A Sheltered Life (demo)
10. Granny Farming In The UK (demo)
11. Ceasefire (acoustic version recorded in Spain)
12. Airplane Food (acoustic recorded in Spain)
13. Elvis Lives (Oxford Zodiac soundcheck)
14. Johnny Cash (Oxford Zodiac soundcheck)
15. Surfin USM (Oxford Zodiac soundcheck)

*Provisional tracklisting subject to approval.

Get it from their shop.

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Where's Me Jumper?

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From the inbox-

” Long time Carter USM friends, THE SULTANS OF PING are reforming for a tour of Ireland at the end of the year.

Before that though, they have been persuaded to play a one-off UK show at:-

Fat Surfer in Grays, Essex on Saturday 19 November.

This is their first gig since 1997!

Tickets have just gone on sale. The Fat Surfer is a small venue, so this one could sell out quite quickly – it’s a great chance to see this band again.

Book tickets and get more details at http://www.redpenguin.net/sultans/

Paul Golder – Promoter “

(Sultans of Ping, Casual Sex in the Cineplex)

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